I had this horrible nightmare yesterday night. A dream so bad I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
The dream starts with me in deep sleep, dreaming…
First, the alarm spoke to me, “This is the alarm clock (“the alarm”), hereby discharging the obligation of waking the owner (hereinafter referred to “you”) up, at a time which was mutually agreed upon at 2100 hrs, 30th of November, 2007. You are hereby requested to wake up. Use of the snooze feature may not be in your best interests.”
I perform the usual tasks that people do when they wake up (of course, since it is my dream, I also turn over and kiss my dream girl who is sleeping beside me).
Then, I open the door, only to have the milkman say:
“I (“the milkman”), acting on behalf of Sai Kripa Milk Centre (“SKMC”), hereby deliver half a litre of pasteurized homogenized toned milk, with an agreed fat content of 3% and SNF content of 8.5%. In consideration of the same, I humbly request the client (“you”) to hand over one coupon from the specified booklet, which you had purchased from SKMC.”
Soon, the doorbell rings again, and I am greeted with:
“I (“the garbage collector”), acting on behalf of the Clean the Building, Dump Rubbish on the Road Brigade (“CBDRRB”), kindly request you to hand over your garbage, and assign me the right to use, sell, recycle or otherwise dispose of the same, in a manner that CBDRRB may deem fit. No consideration is deliverable for the said assignment of rights over garbage, except that the garbage collector may request for a bonus (hereinafter referred to as “Baksheesh”), every year at the time of Diwali, the date of which would be determined by the Hindu Calendar.
Well, I get ready and leave for office. On the way, I hail a cab and tell him:
“I (“the passenger”) hereby propose to avail of the services of your vehicle (“the cab”), and in consideration thereof, I promise to pay you the sum as would be determined by the distance recording and fare calculating instrument (“the meter”), subject to the following conditions:
The passenger should be in one single piece at the end of the journey.
The passenger should be alive and breathing.”
The passenger does reach in one piece and is alive.
I proceed to my office, and the day passes off uneventfully. Probably because no one in my office bothers whether I am in or not, alive in one piece or not, and thus don’t come and speak to me.
Anyways, I login to gmail, and there is a chat window which pops up:
“I (hereinafter referred to as “the friend”), would like to enquire about state of well being in general, and state of your job in particular. I would also like information on what your waist size is, so that I may advise you on your dietary plans. It is common knowledge to both parties that the friend does not have the requisite qualification to advise another on dietary and nutritional plans, but both parties have an implied agreement not to raise the said argument.”
I leave office, but do not head home. I am going to meet my dream girl and today is going to be a big day. I am going to propose to her!!!
(to be continued)
PS: This is what happens when you read legalese late into the night, and then fall asleep :((