Phone calls and more...

Two interesting telephone calls made up for the dull week...

One was from a MNC bank which is recently trying to gain greater foothold in India. The bank’s ‘telemarketing executive’ was trying to convince me to take their credit card. Now, I know of busy people who get irritated by such cold calls made at odd hours, and bark unmentionable obscenities till the caller hangs up. Thankfully (for the callers), I am not such a busy person yet, and 4 years of teaching experience has given me some patience.

So, the conversation goes:
(CC: Credit Card lady; Me: the author)

CC: Good Morning Sir, I am calling from MNC bank. Is this Mr. Siva… Mr. Sri… Mr. Sivarak… Mr. Siva (pause) Raa (er) ma.. Kris… Mr. Sivaraka…
Me: (pretty used to my name being murdered by sundry people; not their fault) yes, this is Mr. Sivaramakrishnan.
CC: Sir, which company are you working with?
Me: IDFC
CC: HDFC?
Me: IDFC… Infrastructure Development Finance Company
CC: (with a tone which conveys never-heard-of-it) ok sir, but this company is not on our list.
Me: ok, then I guess you can’t give me a credit card. Thank you.
CC: (realizing that it is one cross mark on her list of thousand people to be called) sir, it is alright. We will add this company to the list. What is your monthly take home?
Me: blah blah

Now, if you didn’t realize it yet, these marketing executives are trained by their slave master (HR training) that addressing the customer by name every time makes the customer happy. Or even euphoric.
Under normal circumstances, I'll tell people "Call me Siva, call me SRK" etc... but I was enjoying the fun... plus, my mom used to say that PIs throw in as many Gods as possible in a name because every time one utters the name, one gets punya (or adds to the 'good deeds' in plain english)... so, I let her earn some brownie points with God, if not her slave master...

CC: (guy-seems-well-paid-enough tone) Mr. Sivaraka… Mr. Siva… Mr. Sivaramakrishnan, we are glad to offer you this exclusive gold credit card. This card comes with blah blah blah…

(somehow, I never listen to what the ‘benefits’ are… they make me want to sign up; so I hold the receiver away till the noise ceases and I know for sure she has exhausted her pitch)

Me: Oh, but these benefits are offered by every company today. What is it that is special about your card?
CC: Sir, as I said, blah blah blah…
Me: ok, assuming I sign up for this card, what all documents do I have to submit?
CC: (slight one-more-bakra-ticked-in-the-monthly-target note of happiness in voice… ) Sir, we would require your identity proof, your salary slip, and an address proof. I can send my representative over to collect these whenever it suits you.

Now comes the fun part… I hate people talking to me from a script. No reason, just that it puts me off. So, I decide to tear up the lady’s script, burn it up and piss on the ashes.

Me: But I don’t have an identity proof.
CC: Sir, any id proof will do. PAN card, Voter’s Id, Passport, Driving License…
Me: I don’t have any of those. All I have is my company id. Plus, I don’t get my salary slip since I haven’t submitted my PAN card in the office. They just issue me a cheque.
CC: (thoroughly confused now) ok sir, Can I call you back in 2 minutes?
Me: yeah sure.

Two minutes in their clock is a wee bit longer. But sure as hell, the phone rings again…

CC: Hello Mr. Sivara… Mr. Sivaramkr… Mr. Sivaramakrishnan, I am pretty-sounding-lady’s-name from MNC Bank.
Me: yes, tell me…
CC: Sir, it is ok if you can’t submit the id proof. We will take the Company id. But can you please submit your PAN card as soon as you get it?
Me: Sure, and what about the salary slip?
CC: Sir, can you give us the salary slip of any of your colleagues, who are working in the same designation as you.
Me: But why would a third person want to give his salary details to you?
CC: ok sir, in that case, can you give us a visiting card? That would do, till you get your salary slip…
Me: Sure, send your person over… I want to see the terms and conditions too… so, send a detailed form which gives all the details…

And that set me thinking… after such a bloodbath in the sub prime crisis in the US, the same mistakes keep getting repeated. It is possible for a person to get a credit card without a proper id proof and a proper salary proof. God help the economy…

Anyways, the second call sounds funny now, but it was mighty irritating at that time.
(Anonymous Caller: AC; Me: Me)
Time: 8.30 pm

AC: Hello
Me: Yes
AC: kya yes yes bol raha hai be, angrez ke kutte..
Me: hello, aapko kaun sa number chahiye?
AC: abbey Vijay, mere saat aisa naatak nahi chalega… awaaz nahi pehchaana kya?
Me: bhaisaab, lagta hai aap galat number laga diye… idhar koi Vijay nahi hai
AC: abey, masti mat kar saale… baat nahi karneka toh seedha seedha bol… yeh wrong number ka bahaana kyon bana raha hai?
Me: (slightly irritated, only just slightly) excuse me boss, yahan koi Vijay nahi hai, yeh wrong number hai…
AC: abe harami madar*****, kya naatak kar rahela re? theek hai theek hai, Rajesh ko phone de…
Me: (a little more irritated, just a little) Hello bhaisaab, phone pe aise gaali dene se pehle number kaun sa dial kiya check karo… [Cuts the line]

Time: 11.30 pm
AC (same number): Hello Vijay, mera jacket tere ghar per eh gaya… main aa raha hoon lene…
Me: bhaisaab, yeh waapas aap galat number pe phone kiye ho. Yahan koi Vijay nahi hai…
AC: abbe kitna masti karega harami… main aa raha hoon, tab baat karte hain…
Me: (very very irritated) abey chu****, hindi samajh mein nahi aata… TAB SE BOL RAHA HOON WRONG NUMBER HAI…
AC: dekha pehchaan liya… sirf tu hi mereko hamesha chu**** bulata tha…
Me: ????
[cuts the line]

And so, I resolved never to use that term on the phone...