Mar 31, 2009

Brahmins demand reservations

The Vengayam,

Special Correspondent, Tamb(a)ram.

Hundreds of brahmins attended the election rally of Sattanathapuram Venkataraman Shekhar (S Ve Shekhar to fans), who has come up with the audacious idea of demanding reservations for Brahmins in Tamil Nadu. The sitting MLA from Mylapore announced that he has quit AIADMK, and is going to present a demand to the CM on this issue.

S Ve Shekher has thus once again proved he is a master of comedy. After all, what can be a bigger joke than quitting a party headed by a brahmin, and presenting such a demand to the CM who heads a party thriving on anti-brahminism. If you don’t find that funny, please look up the meaning of ‘irony’ in your dictionary.

There was a slight misunderstanding when S Ve Shekhar announced that he is pushing for reservations for higher education. One Iyengar mama protested loudly, “Why only Iyer education? What about the poor Iyengars?” to which some smart alec Iyer dude had shouted, “Iyengars-ukku namam thaan.” Fortunately, the Iyer dude was chased away, what the locals termed as “pattai-ya kelappitom.”

This reporter diligently picked up reactions from the crowd to gauge the pulse of the assembly. Several youngsters were seen pulling their trousers up at the waist with both hands, in a tribute to the great leader.

“The ruling parties have systematically eliminated all brahmins from important positions. Where are all the brahmins? Enge Brahmanan?” remarked Cho Ramasamy, slyly slipping in an advertisement for his own show. “Jaya TV, 8 pm” he added, before being beaten up for promoting the channel of the rival party supremo.

“Yes, we have put up with this discrimination for too long. We will not make any further sacrifices” exclaimed a mama, coincidentally named Tyagu.

“Palakaatu brahmanalukum reservation kudukanam tya. Naangalum tamizh peshuvom aakum” bellowed another mama, simbly known as Mani. If the name doesn’t ring a bell, fret not, for every third person in Palakkad is called Mani. The other two are called Ambi and Kutty.

However, the highlight of the rally was the widespread support for S Ve Shekher. When he thundered at the end of his speech “Who can take the brahmin community backward?”, the crowd shouted back in unison

"S Ve Can! S Ve Can! S Ve CAN!!!"

The slogan is already touted as one that will change the history of mankind. Watch this space as we strive to bring you the latest updates on this.


PS: Apologies to the non-Tams. Some of the (non?) jokes are too colloquial to be translated.

Mar 29, 2009

The Break is Up!

Back from a week long visit to home, and I realize that I am partly addicted to the Internet. Had decided not to log in to the net for the week, and by Wednesday, I was already itching to visit the cyber cafe.

Home is such a wonderful place. The place I stay in for the better part of the year, in Bombay, that is my house. Or, as some friends would say, just a room. Whatever. A house is a place with four walls, filled with nothingness. A home, is full of people you love (and more important, people who love you), warmth, mom's cooking and all the good things. Excuse me while I get all senti.

Anyways, the visit was fun. I don't usually like to post personal stuff (yeah, honestly), but since I am bubbling with an overdose of senti-ness, let me make an exception, and write about the home visit. If not for anything, atleast for me to re-read a month down the line and go all nostalgic.

Hogged like a greedy pig. I can already feel my trousers getting tighter. But then, I don't get carrot halwa, thenkozhal (murukku, or worse chakli, for the non-tams), elaiadai (I don't know what it is in English, it has jackfruit, it is sweet and it is heavenly), sevai, biriyani, vetthakozhambu etc every week. I know I missed some items from the weekly menu, but then mom doesnt read the blog so it's fine.

Slept like a log. Slept in the mornings. Slept post lunch. Slept at any time of the day. Except sandhi kaala velai (evening, when lamps are lit and prayers and stuff happen). That is still taboo at home.

Watched a lot of TV. For a guy who has managed to resist the temptations of the idiot box by not having one in the house, I think I managed to cram in a lot in one week. F.R.I.E.N.D.S., movies in HBO, a lion program in Nat Geo (or was it Discovery?), Vadivelu comedy in local cable channel, Villu in thiruttu CD (and the image of Khushboo dancing in the intro song still haunts me!!! shudder, Nayantara looks thin in comparison), Abhiyum Naanum courtesy a friend (Trisha is cute, but Asin rules)... I even watched re-run of KB's old serial called 'Engirundho vandhal' with my mom (and while we are at it, I have this massive crush on Kavya Shekar, the TV actress... nice eyes, dimpled cheeks, uff!)...

Watched cricket too. In fact, woke up at 5.30 am, hoping to see Sachin bat. Only to see the master edge a catch to slip just as I was putting on my glasses (yes the new one!). Slept again, woke up at 8, put on glasses, saw Yuvi fall for a duck. No, I am not to blame for India's bad showing in this test. Murphy is.

Met a few relatives. Old, retired with nothing-t0-do ones. Who started advising my mom to get me married off soon, since some cousin fell in love with and married some Punju ladki recently, and the said relatives were kinda aghast at that. Sigh. I still thank the God that I don't fully believe in, for giving me parents who are open-minded enough to tell me that they'd accept a bride from any region/caste. And also curse the said God for not making any gal, Punju or otherwise, fall for me. Maybe, it is His version of a silly joke. Whatever.

Played games on the comp. Conquered one more level of Commandos. Yeah, I know, I am so outdated.

Read novels. Read Tinkle. Loads of Tinkle actually. So much that the annoying crow outside my window reminds me of Kalia. Damn!

In short, had a blissful time.

Now I am back. In this big bad city. And I have to go for work tomorrow.

Sigh. Vacations are always shorter than you want them to be. Especially the home visits.
PS: The title is a not-so-clever play on the title of the previous post. Basically, I am too lazy to think up anything more imaginative.

Mar 17, 2009

The Break-Up

Farewell, dear.

We were together in the best of times. And the worst of times. I could not live without you.

You have been a trusted companion. You were with me when I was pulling my hair apart unable to understand my job. You were with me on my holiday in Goa, where we admired the beauty of the sunset together. You didn’t even object when I ogled at the girls there. In fact, you helped me appreciate them better.

You have been completely transparent with me. I could rest assured in the fact that that you would always show me the true picture, irrespective of whether I like it or not. You helped me see things more clearly, and to understand subtleties that were not immediately obvious to me. I trusted you so much that you had me by the ears all the time.

You were the apple of my eye. I spent the better part of the day with you. But I never slept with you. Ours was a platonic relationship and that made it all the more special.

But I abused you. I mistook you to be indestructible, and sadly didn’t realise that you were actually quite fragile. I was so comfortable with you, that I never realized how precious you were. I took you for granted. But you were always there for me.

You tried your best, but you eventually broke. Looking back, I am amazed you held together for as long as you did.

I have moved on. Found myself a newer companion. And if I have learnt anything from our relationship, I would treat this one with more care. At least, I hope to.

Honestly, I wished that our relationship would last longer. But it was not meant to be. And the fault was entirely mine. I had to break up with you.

Farewell, my dear broken spectacles. May your unbroken soul rest in peace.


PS1: Any rich liquor barons, particularly those who move around in a Maybach with a spare Merc in tow, interested in buying my spectacles, please get in touch through a comment. I try to speak the truth most of the time, and am a decidedly non-violent guy. There is no auction and I won’t ask for millions of dollars. A case of your beer would do.

PS2: I am going home for a week. Home is a place which internet hasn’t corrupted. Yet. So, in case you take the effort of leaving a comment, and don’t find a reply, don’t think I’m being rude.

PS3: And since I am going to be away, here’s a bonus PJ for my dear friends who would miss me... “If you dump a girl and she starts crying, do you call it a break up or a break down?”

Mar 13, 2009

Karnataka demands share in Indus water

Our Ordinary Correspondent

Dozens of people in Bangalore have started rioting on the streets demanding a share in the waters of Indus river. Early reports indicate that two buses have been burnt and several injured.

"We demand our rightful share in the Indus water. After all, once upon a time, the place was called Harappa. Which clearly shows that it belonged to Kannadigas", thundered CM Yeddyurappa.

"We'll not rest until we get justice. This is a matter of Kannadiga pride. First, our neighbours steal all our Cauvery water. Now, those Indus valley guys are also stealing our water", exclaimed Bangarappa, founder of Karnataka Vikas Party.

"Wow, why didn't I think of that?", wondered famous cartoonist Ponnappa, hurrying off to draw something funny about the issue.

"The BCCI has asked us not to speak to the media. So no comments," said Robin Uthappa, deftly avoiding the topic. Pity he doesn't show the same deftness when it comes to Brett Lee's bouncers.

""Why is no one asking for my views? Everyone goes after these two-bit cricketers, while hockey players are always ignored", sobbed Len Aiyappa.

"Yo guys, before we play your next song request, lemme make a special announcement. We. Want. Indus.", said chirpy MTV VJ Nikhil Chinnappa, before proceeding to play the song 'dumb dumb diga diga, main hoon kannadiga'.

"What next? These guys will claim me as a Kannada actor?", wondered Sarath Kumar, popularly known as Chittappa after he married Radhika (of the mega serial fame).

Mar 12, 2009

When in doubt, rhyme!

I have been really busy for some time, writing crappy stuff in official documents for a change. Workplace became aapu-ees. Hardly any time to come and post here. Things were good in the blog world. Some of my friends were heaving a sigh of relief. Unfortunately, I'm back. Bang!


Long time since I updated the blog,
Been working hard like a dumb dog,
Boss said “Time to pull up your sock,
and start working round the clock”
You need to run fast, not just jog!

Got no time for a bit of innocent fun
couldn't even come up with a stupid pun!
Some big company needs a bit of cash,
even if their project is a load of trash;
Still I slog my ass to get the deal done...

Heck, I hardly even check my GMail,
and when I do, I just rant and wail;
To my dear friends I always write,
cribbing about my oh-so-sorry plight...
Somebody, please get me outta this jail!!!

Damn, some days, life’s truly a bitch,
Every step I take, there’s some hitch!
The boss goes one up on Murphy’s Law,
If things can’t go wrong, he invents a flaw...
Teach me some voodoo, find me a witch!!!

I just hope it all turns out fine,
Somehow, things just fall in line
So that I can sit back and just chill
with a lot of time on my hands to kill,
and empty another bottle of port wine.