Apr 28, 2009

Quick 5...

In the firm belief that the pun is mightier than the word, one wonders...

Considering that he talks non-stop, should Lalit Modi be named Mouth ka saudagar?

How come a man named Vijay ends up being the owner of losing teams like RCB and Force India?

Where does Saurav go when he is pissed? To the John?

What do you call a rising stock market? A load of bull?

If pigs can't fly, how come swine flu?

PS: Which TV commentator's name anagrams with "I'm brain dead"? :D

Apr 26, 2009

I am too lazy to think up a funny title...

The atmosphere was tense. Everybody knew that business was bad. They had racked their brains all night to come prepared for this meeting.

The CEO began: "As you all know, the global slowdown has affected us too. Clients are no longer willing to spend as much. We need to come up with new ideas to survive in this market. Any creative suggestions?"

"Our business hinges on customer delight. And newer positioning might help excite the customer. And of course, bundling of our offerings to ensure more sales", the VP-Marketing was tossing off cliche after marketing cliche.

"I thought our customers liked our offerings unbundled", quipped the CEO.

"Unbundled in a sense, but grouped together", explained the VP-Marketing.

"What about our yields?", asked the CEO.

"I see a flattening of the curve, which should be good for our business", the CFO was talking in a language of his own.

"How can a flattening of the curve be good for our business?", the CEO again.

"We need to tighten our belts and sweat our assets", the CFO was also prone to cliches.

"We need to squeeze more out of our employees; We need to pull up our socks", the VP-HR was not too far behind.

"Iis evident none of you understand this business. If anything, we need to pull up our frocks and loosen our belts. And make sure our assets don't sweat", the CEO sounded a bit exasperated. "I agree with the squeezing though", he said thoughtfully.

And thus, after much to and fro, the business started with offering unlimited deals during off-peak hours, "day passes", discount for seniors and regulars etc.
PS1: While the meeting is defintly fictional, the story is real.

PS2: For a mind bereft of funny ideas, such an article is a god-send. I thank my roomie for forwarding this link. Though am not too sure whether he wants to be associated with this.

Apr 23, 2009


This one is for the crossword buffs. But not cryptic at all. The answers are all easy anagrams, so you don't get prizes for guessing.

1. Which bowler was caught red-handed, beacuse he wears henna?

2. Which flamboyant batsman is suspected to be a closet gay, because he wears an inverse pink tee?

3. There was a threat that this cricketer may be kidnapped, but I guess the thugs were afraid he would be high-handed in ransom.

4. This batsman is fit and fine, but some harsh critics boo "silk head can't run" every time he walks in to bat.

5. Every time this cricketer boards a flight, the security guys use a code: "fat friend has flown". (Hint, one of the words is not to be used).

6. Bowlers were afraid of this guy because his myth went ahead of him. Thankfully, he's retired.

7. Some suspect this guy suffers from Dawns Syndrome. Unfortunately, it never dawns on him.

8. Most believe his shots are just heaved wringers, but the moot point is that he is incredibly effective.

9. When bowlers see him, they get a grisly ache in their heads.

10. This man can be found wearing a red jersey.

I could have made more, but I am too lazy. So, I'll sign off with a final stupid one.

Star question: Which cricket administrator may have a chance to win elections in Chennai because he is a Tamil Idol?


PS: I know you guys are smart, and would have guessed the anagram in the title as well. Just pointing it out, in the outside chance that some of you are engineers, and hence blind to the obvious...

PS2: I thought of highlighting the words to be anagrammed in italics, but I have to give some credit to you guys. Yes, even the engineers.

PS3: This also happens to be my 150th post. Yayy, and all that!

Apr 22, 2009

Just when you thought this blog was getting serious...

This post is inspired by his comment about him liking the previous post. Sacrilege! I don't write posts for his liking! He can continue with his serious and senti posts, this blog stands for juvenile crap! Literally...

And so, here goes...

It suddenly goes dark, and I shout in fear

except that he just doesn't seem to hear

"Dude, turn on the damn frigging light"

I literally scream in extreme fright!!!

"Dammit, I feel something crawling on my rear!"

He says "Not me mate, it's a power cut!"

I get this strange eerie feeling in my gut...

I brush it off, it feels like a (yuckkk!) roach

"soch kya raha hai, jaldi se haath poach"

with some water, you idiot, not on your butt!!!

I turn on the tap, only to find it dry

I am ready to burst out and cry...

I sit there, feeling really really sick

"why oh Murphy, why this dirty trick?"

I have very little bheja left for you to fry...

Then my hands reach out like a rope

And in the darkness, I blindly grope

Wish t'was a lady, goes my perverted mind!!

Ha! but I just f***ing can't seem to find

that bottle of Dettol liquid hand wash soap!

Suddenly everything goes 100-watt bright

And I let out a mighty whoop of delight

And in the midst of all the raucous noise

In my head, squeaks a tiny amused voice

"Serves you right, for going to the loo at midnight!!!"


PS: Ah, THAT feels good! I am not cut out for serious writing.

Apr 20, 2009

Power play

Warning: This is likely to be a boring post, especially if you are not that into cricket. Or funding power projects.

I have been looking for shortcuts to understand and remember salient features of my area of work. Reading about load factors, calorific value, heat rates, HRT and TRT, photovoltaic effect etc is not much fun, especially if you harbour a deep hatred for engineers.

And then, while watching a cricket match during a work break, I get a brainwave! And out comes this piece of inspired genius...

So, here goes... SRK's ready reckoner for understanding power plants:

Hydro power is like Sachin. Vast reserves, sitting still, and you don't realize its power till you turn it on. Once it is turned on, nothing comes in its away. Or rather, whatever comes is swept away by ruthless force. Very clean, very efficient, and of course, long long life.

Wind power is like Sehwag. Highly unpredictable, it can blow fast and feed lots of power into the grid, or not blow at all and become a liability to the grid instead. Really exciting to watch, high and mighty, but all the advance studies still don't allow for predicting the final outcome as to how much power will actually be generated.

Coal thermal power is like Dravid. The one which caters to the base load, around which all the other exciting technologies survive. The one source you can rely upon, the one which performs non-stop, 24 hours a day, 365 days a week. Maximum efficiency, but still never respected because it is not exciting, it is not new-age and it is not really fashionable. And people are always calling for it to be curtailed.

Gas power is like VVS. More efficient than coal, much cleaner than coal, but lying idle for years now. Proven potential, but lack of resources hampered its growth. And oh, coincidentally, based in Andhra Pradesh.

Nuclear power is like Saurav. Very volatile, dangerous and highly controversial. With a half-life that lingers on long after the plant ceases to operate. Which makes it extremely difficult to dispose of. But, but, but... when it actually works, there is nothing better.

Solar power is like Yuvraj. Everybody's talking about it. For years and years now. Everybody thinks it is the panacea for power shortage. Everybody's excited about its potential. No one has seen actual on the ground performance. Yet, half the world is betting on it. And hoping... if only...


It is said that the things you dream about are the ones that are constantly on your mind. Well, for the last few days, the only things that have been on my mind are work (thanks to my boss) and cricket (thanks to Modi).

Apr 19, 2009

Suggest a wallpaper pic please...

I did not realize it when I kept her pic as my desktop wallpaper. For about 3 years and counting.

I did not realize it when I sat through stupid movies just for her sake. Beginning with “M.Kumaran, Son of Mahalakshmi”, going on through Ghajini (Tamil), Pokiri and Dasavatharam (Tamil). My friends thought I just enjoyed masala movies. (Aside: I do!!!)

I did not realize it when I entered a theatre on impulse (5 minutes after the show had started), alone, on New Year’s Eve for god’s sake, to watch Ghajini (Hindi). This, from a guy with a proclaimed aversion to movie theatres.

Heck, I did not even realize it when I broke off from a conversation abruptly when she sashayed to the Guzarish song on TV. Though people did start strongly suspecting that I had gone mad.

But last week really did it.

I am at work. We have this client who is so huge and well rated and stuff. So huge that our loan would get lost as a rounding off decimal in their balance sheet. Frankly, I was quite surprised (and quiet surprised, you can’t show you are surprised at work) that they even entertained us. So when our gatekeepers, the credit department, started asking numerous questions on the whys and hows of the deal, what security, clauses in the loan agreement etc.

And, my mind went, “Dude, here’s Asin asking to marry you. And you are nitpicking about what is her education, where she works, will we need to match horoscopes and stuff?” You say yes simply because she’s Asin. Period”

That was when I realized that I am well and truly obsessed with her.

I am putting a blank wallpaper to help me get over this obsession. Suggestions for new non-obsessive faces welcome.
PS: Bonus MCP PJ, to make up for the lazy post:
What did Amol Palekar call a fat woman?

Apr 9, 2009

Should I tell her?

Should I tell her?

How do you tell her? What do you say?

How will she react?

What if she screams? What if she slaps you? In full public view!

Why would she slap me? If anything, she'll be happy I said it. In fact, she might even ask "What took you so long?"

I dunno. Women are unpredictable. You never know how they react.

Yeah, that they are. Predictably unpredictable.

Beautiful, but unpredictable.

May be I can just reach out and...

Perish the thought!!! She'll definitely slap you. Plus she's wearing heels. Pointed heels.

But still, may be I should go ahead and say it. Damn the consequences!

Think beta think. Kuch bhi bolne se pehle sau baar socho.

Sau baar sochne ka time nahi hai. She'll be long gone by then. It is now or never.

Ok, it's your call. Don't blame me later.

Dammit, I am gonna say it.




"Excuse me ma'am, there's a cockroach on your shoulder..."

Apr 8, 2009

Elephantine dreams

Am sure all of you would have heard elephant jokes at some point in your life.

It goes something like this:
Q. How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
A. Open door, put the elephant in, close the door.
Q. How do you put a giraffe in a fridge?
A. Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close the door.
Q. How do you buy a house in Bombay?
A. Get the elephant, put your vote stamp on it, help Big Sista become PM, wait for her to screw the economy, watch Sensex fall to 2000 levels (the index, not the year), gloat at people losing all their paper wealth, bid goodbye to speculators fleeing the market, wait for housing prices to fall, buy the damn house!

Malabar Hill bungalow facing the sea, here I come!
PS: I know this is a crappy lazy post, but too much work leaves little time for PJs and puns.