Jul 27, 2009

Malice in Hinterland - II

Continued from Part-I...


Meanwhile, in the western corner of the country...

"Who's the hottest CM in the world,

Pardesi bol, Pardesi Bol, Pardesi bol bol bol bol

MoU karade, jo baad me tu chahe invest kar ya hatade

paise dikhade, toh tujhe hum saara zameen dilade"

There was a mela going on. People who had escaped the inanity of the great country and were lucky enough to have made their riches elsewhere, had returned to 'give something back'. And were talking of putting up 500 MW solar farms. Clearly, Wonderland-ia was still ‘Shining’ as far as this part of the country was concerned.

"Who's the hottest CM in the world

Pardesi bol, Pardesi Bol, Pardesi bol bol bol bol..."


"We don't want any paradesis in our land" announced the 'artistic' CM from the South. "Our language is rich enough, we don't want their riches. And to think they are talking about the sun now. We have had the sun as a symbol for ages now."

“Thalaivar Vaazhga! Kalaignar Vaazhga!” shouted the cadres in chorus as they lined up for their free TVs to watch ‘Sun TV in Tamizh Malai’.

“People are surprised that I agreed with the Italian lady to form a government. Little do they know that I have a long tradition of following Roman leaders. After all, like Augustus Caesar, I also decreed that the calendar be changed and now our people celebrate New Year when I want them to!”

"The New Year won’t be in Chitthirai, but will be in Thai

Shun Sanskrit, Respect the Tamil month, so proclaimed I!"

He wove a couplet, dreaming about composing 1330 of them and becoming famous like the other great poet.

To host the Nano, the east and the west put orey sandai

while we in the south quietly welcome the korean hyundai!

Another 1328 to go, he thought to himself...


Should this be continued?

Jul 26, 2009

Malice in Hinterland

Once upon a time, in a country so near that we are living in it, there lived many kings and many queens, each squabbling with the other as to whose diamond set and vintage car collection was the bestest.

In the middle of this peaceful existence arrived India's first Fe-Male (yeah, even commerce students remember some chemical symbols from much hated science class!), sulking that he was not made the first prime minister. Undeniably a great man, but he decided to inflict his revenge for the gross injustice meted out to him. And he achieved this by unifying all those princely states into one huge country. And while the person who actually got to become the prime minister went around spouting 'unity in diversity', the First Fe-Male of India probably chuckled to himself, "Let's see you rule this unruly bunch sucker!"

And like the butterfly who flapped its wings not knowing it was going to cause a storm halfway across the world, our man did not realize what he had unleashed upon this nation, a nation so great that its people proclaimed its greatness on the 'backside' of their killer trucks.

Almost half a century later, thanks to him, we have many leaders instead of one, and that much more fun. (Did that ryhme, or what?)


To start off, let me introduce you to that wonderful lady in the north, she who proves that having an illusion for a name doesn't make reality any better.

Lady M: "Are the statues ready?"
Chamcha 1 (C1): "Yes your Sisterness"
Lady M: "And did you make sure the handbag is visible on them? After all, owning a handbag is a symbol of empowerment"
C1: "Yes your Sisterness"

Suddenly, there is a lot of commotion...

C2: "Blasphemy! Some lady has insulted our Big Sister! Live, on TV!!!"
Lady M: "Off with her head!"
C1: "Er, we can't do that"
Lady M: "How I wish Lewis Carroll was writing this instead of this stupid blogger!"
C2: "But we can book her under a draconian law and not give her bail."
Lady M: "Ah, there is some justice in this world after all"
C1 (hurriedly passing an order to delete the word 'irony' from the dictionary): "Indeed"

(To be continued)...

Jul 6, 2009

We also get senti...

The sun had risen, it was fairly bright,

And across the sky soared a great skylark

But something just did not feel alright

Deep inside my heart, I just felt quite dark.



I watched the sea, wave after raging wave,

And somehow it made me feel eerily calm;

So full of life, yet many a poor sailor’s grave,

I wonder what secrets you hide in your palm.



As the waters came up and kissed my feet,

I just walked along, and sat on the shore;

It was cold, but all I could feel was the heat,

Something was burning, at my very core.



I just sat there by myself, totally alone,

Not a soul in sight, not a single sound;

As the waves made me wet to the bone,

I just lay and listened to my heart pound.




Soon, dark clouds hid the sun, and it all went bleak

Lightning, thunder and a mighty rainstorm

I felt the raindrops slowly roll down my cheek

Strange, some of them were salty and warm.






Or maybe it was God taking a leak?

(adds the non-senti SRK)


PS1: Inspired by a weekend trip to a beach near Bombay. Got totally drenched too. Rains don't seem too bad when you are having fun.

PS2: Pic taken during the trip by a friend. Don't think he would have copyright issues. In any case, if you are reading this, consider yourself acknowledged.

PS3: Just to assuage fears that I may have turned into this mushy, weepy, senti being, here's a bonus PJ for you people...

Q. What did Russell Crowe say when the tiger killed his mother-in-law?

A. Glad he ate her.

Jul 5, 2009

I just can't understand people!

Warning: Long Post.


“I just can’t understand people!” he wailed. He was a strange sight, unkempt hair, a lingering smell of whiskey, ill-fitting clothes with splotches of paint on them, and two paint brushes stuck behind his ear.

“What happenned?” I asked. I was meeting him after a long time, and could hardly recognize him.

“My art show just got over...”

“No! What happenned to you?” I asked. The last time I met him, or was it his earlier avatar, he was well dressed, clean shaven and had a permanent grin on his face.

“Oh that! Well, I changed...”

“I can see that! What I am asking is, how, what, when, why?” I clearly couldn’t control myself.

“Remember the last time we met?” he asked, with a sly smile.

And remember it I did.


We were still struggling students, and had gone to our favourite bar to bitch about how life was unfair. About how the system hardly recognized talent. Not even when it was staring at them with protruding belly, enlarged eyes and a crooked eagle-beak like nose.

A small digression is on order. Our friend was very good at sketches. And caricature. And anything that involved pencils and paints. So, once while he was busy, er, practising his skill in the math class, the professor came over. What followed was a barrage of words that made the girls of the class blush, and a very skilful demonstration of the professor’s notebook throwing skills.

The professor soon found out what our friend thought of him. On the college notice board the following morning.

So, end of digression.

The bar incident ended with us not having enough money to pay for our bitching session, and what followed was a barrage of words that did not make any of the customers blush, and a demonstration of the head waiter’s people throwing skills.


“What does getting drunk at Gokul bar have to do with your, er, current appearance?” I asked.

“Oh, not that, you idiot. The last time we met after we passed out of college, at the Land’s End. During the time I was trying my hand at becoming a painter”.

This seemed vaguely familiar to me. But then, I had been sober, and I had walked out of the hotel. Not so memorable.

“Don’t tell me you already forgot the reunion meeting?” he asked.


And then it all came back to me. The reunion meeting. With friends all around, exchanging stories about their promotions, and bitching about the bosses instead of the professors.

And in the middle of all the cribbing, our friend had announced “No one misunderstands me!” We thought we had misheard him, so someone quipped, “You mean no one understands you? But we do. After all, we are your friends.”

“That’s the f***ing problem, you idiot. No one misunderstands me. I am doomed to be understood all my life. I can only hope people misunderstand me after I am dead”

Now, we really couldn’t understand him. Which ought to have made him happy. But he was too busy wallowing in self-pity to note that we didn’t get him.

“Care to explain that?” I asked finally.

“Well, unlike your MNC offices, this industry thrives on confusion and chaos. If people understand my paintings, they are not willing to pay for it.”

“I still don’t get it!” I said.

“Arrghh, people misunderstand me where it is not required! You see, I drew a horse, and I took all the care to make it as life-like as possible, even sat in the stinking stables for three days to get a good impression in my mind of the image I was painting. And when I finally display it, people came and said “Oh, such a beautiful horse”, but that was it. No one paid me anything.”

Well, I still didn’t get it, but I was too afraid to say so. After all, you can’t come across as an idiot in the reunion meeting where your ex-crush is around. Soon, we got chatting about sundry other things and I had all but forgotten about this conversation, and his speech.

So, end of flashback.


“But what does the reunion meeting have anything to do with your, er, current appearance?” I was clearly confused now. And concerned.

“Well, you see, I had to make sure people misunderstood me. So, I ditched the nice clothes and the clean shaven look and the happy grin. I grew a beard, let my hair grow long, wore old clothes and walked around barefeet.”


“And I started experimenting with my paintings. I would draw the horse, but I would put its hind legs in front, its neck in reverse, the tail upside down, you know...”

I didn’t know. I stood there blinking like an idiot. The ex-crush was not around, so I didn’t mind.

“Well, people could no longer come and say “it’s a beautiful horse” and be done with it. They had to come up with theories as to why I put the hind legs in front.”


“All I had to do was sit back with a mournful expression. Soon, one learned art critic comes up with an explanation that the artist wants to say that if you don’t put your past behind you where it belongs, then you can no longer run efficiently. And people ooh-ed and aah-ed. Another opined that the tail rising up was an metaphor for the horse’s perverse sex drive”

“Stop! Gross!” I wasn’t too interested to listen to equine sex drives. S.377 doesn't allow that yet.

“You don’t get it. The painting sold for eighty lakhs. And my interview is on the paper's cover page.”

And I just stood there. Mouth agape.

All I could muster was, “I just can’t understand people”.


PS: Inspired by a chance visit to an art gallery recently where the author saw a painting titled "Man, Woman and Parrot" which had, you guessed it, a man, a woman and a parrot. Except that the author was slightly confused about which bird was which.