Nov 7, 2006

Shit Happens :(

This is going to be a post full of crap… literally!!! Now, you may be thinking that the entire blog is crap, so what’s new, but I promise you, the thing you are going to read is so full of shit that you will wish you did not read it at all.

It all started when I got a bout of loose motions one day in office. Now, I have attended classes and gone to work with 102 degree fever, severe cold, asthmatic bouts which left me wheezing like a auto rickshaw with kerosene in its engines, but I must tell you, suffering from loose motions is the most ‘gut wrenching’ situation of the lot. I spent more time in the washroom than nervous girls on their first dates with a rich guy do touching up their faces. Only, I was touching down my faeces. (If you find the last line distasteful, I’d advise you to stop reading right here, right now)

After three dreadful trips to the washroom in the office, I finally felt confident enough to undertake the 1 hr journey back to hostel by local train. By God’s grace, there was no pressure, internal or external, and I reached the hostel without incident.

The evening went off uneventfully, and I even gathered enough courage to eat a proper dinner at the mess. No after dinner pangs and I went to bed thinking it was just a temporary problem and I’ll be fine by morning. Well, as they say, Man proposes, and shit happens.

I wake up in the middle of the night (which in a b-school means 5.00 am, since people sleep at 2.00 or 3.00) and dutifully return my entire dinner to Mother Earth for recycling. I am already feeling a little tired, and slump back to sleep.

I still nurture hopes of going to office, but when I wake up at 7.00 am, I feel like a dead man. So, goodbye work and some bed rest. Mandatory calls to office to inform them that I am not coming. So far, so good.

The stomach seems to be more upset than a wife who finds lipstick on her husband’s collar (and that too, a more expensive brand). More and more visits to answer Nature’s mighty call. Till, true to Murphy, the tap in the toilet decides to sing a la Revathi in Thevar Magan - kaathu thanga varudhu!!! Unlike Napolean, I do hope to find my Water-loo. Unfortunately, there is more liquid flowing outta my @$$ than from the f***ing tap. (A sincere request again, people who find this nauseating, please stop reading, and don’t blame me for being gross. I am venting out my frustration, and this is the language apt to capture it).

I decide to visit the doctor, like all sensible people. The doctor seems a very friendly man, asks me what I ate, drank etc., Now, this is the biggest puzzle. When I was gorging on chicken and fish a few weeks back, nothing happened. Now, here I am, eating the vegetarian mess food, and drinking only Aquaguard water and I get the damn motions.

Anyways, the doctor says, “Tension nahi leneka. Main dawaai de raha hoon. Khaane mein sirf dal chaawal, aur khoob paani peete rehna”. Well, I think, sirji, easy for you to say tension nahi leneka. After all, you don’t have to run to water less loos every ½ hour. And, as for the dal-chaawal part, well, after the bland mess food, nuthin could get worse. Anyways, he gives me some multi colored pills, and asks me to report back in a day. So, I come back to my room and slump down. I am feeling as exhausted as if I just climbed Mt. Everest and then swam across the English Channel.

I put on my comp as I have nothing else to do. The whole hostel is as deserted as a ghost town. One of my dear friends is online and on learning my plight, proceeds to take great pleasure out of my ‘situation’ by making puns about it. With friends like these, who needs enemies? All I can say is that every dog has its shitty day.

I try to work on my project, but I am too tired to even lift my finger. One never understands the meaning of the phrase ‘being in deep shit’ unless one is truly, deeply in it.

At the end of the day, I am feeling totally ‘drained’, but still have enough enthu left to put up this crappy blog. All in all, a shitty day in the life of a shitty banker.

PS: For those who read this far – man, you have absolute no sense of decency, spending your time reading about other people’s shit.