Oct 26, 2007

For no rhyme or reason - II

Seems like the rhyme bug has hit me... here, i try my hand at listing down some blogs that i read (pls do remember that the bad rhyme does not reflect on the quality of the blogs listed!)

Silence! Cease all noise
here comes ‘The Voice’
we call him Khamosh
supports saffron with full josh
yet does it with a lot of poise.

And then, there’s dear Stam
By nature, he abhors anything glam
But here’s the big exclusive news flash
Guy has a thousand plus pics of Ash
Oops, he’s comin to do on me a ground-slam!

Master of all trades, not just a Jack
Can make ppl laugh, has that knack
Never have I heard a better mimic
No, this is not some marketing gimmick
Do check out dear old Issac!

Meet the factory planner called Yuppie,
As he documents the love story of a leppie
At SP, whenever we felt too damn bored
We used to solve the hindu crossword
I particularly like the post abt his mom’s jaadu ki jhappi.

Ocassionally, I do check the almost defunct pgothi
She’s busy selling Maggi in the land of dhoti
I call her a 'minor with an unsound mind'
But frankly, so much talent u’ll seldom find
She sez “itna saara kaam, blog ke liye time nahi hoti”.

Oct 24, 2007

For no rhyme or reason

Hi, my name is YessAarKay
Though ppl call me kiruke-kiruke
While everybody sees models in pixel
I am forced to see them in MS Excel
Waise, this is a lame attempt to write zara hatke…

there is this guy karthick
my friend thru times thin and thick
jus that when i hear him sing
it feels more like a bee sting
although ppl say he is fantastic!

i hv a friend called nandu
projects himself as a maha mandu
started calling himself ‘the monk’
jus learnt his laptop went conk
still, he writes really fundoo

meet my friend, the gr8 hirok
to him, all gals flock.
but u know his greatest wish
is to find a wife to cook hilsa fish
alas! genuine bong babes are outta stock!

thr is this friend called noops
lands herself in all kindsa soups
her recipe for a fruit salad
reads like a badly written ballad
And am glad to be in her friends' groups

And finally…
hello ppl, meet my boss
makes all my plans go for a toss
makes me work without a pause
thus giving me cause
to say expletives most gross!

Oct 19, 2007

The new love of my life

She is a model. A very lovely model.

I spend my entire day gazing at her. Getting lost in her myriad charms. Trying my best to understand her many facets.

I have spent many a late night with her. Just me and her. Spread out on a sheet. I go to sleep with her. I dream about her in my sleep. I wake up thinking about her. She dominates my thoughts. My dreams. My waking hours. She has made me forget Asin and Ash. In fact, she has replaced the Asin wallpaper I had on my desktop.

She is very demanding. She insists that I devote my time entirely to her and her alone. She ensures that she receives my fullest attention. Day and Night, Night and Day. Weekdays. Weekends.

She is very moody. She just clams up sometimes. Doesn’t communicate a single thought. Just refuses to talk. I just feel like walking away from her at times like these, but she somehow keeps me rooted to my seat. The only way to make her talk again is to yield control to her, alter her mood and delete everything else.

Other times, she talks a lot, but not in the language that I can understand. Her language seems to have no name, no reference point, and sometimes, no value. I try my best to decipher what she is trying to say, but after hours of effort, simply give up. And tear my hair in frustration.
Many times, I have a feeling that I understand the language, but then she links up so many seemingly unrelated things, that I have to go back and forth trying to make sense of what she is trying to tell me.

She even comes with her own assistant. Who tries his best to help me make sense of her. Animatedly gestures to me – dancing, rolling and doing impossible body contortions. But I hate him. He keeps interrupting when I least need him. Plus, his tips are no use to me. So, I pack him off, hidden away from my sight.

There are happier times too. Times when she has a very intellectually stimulating conversation. Times when I feel a real connect between us. Where nothing need be said, yet a lot is understood. When, after hours of effort, I arrive at that Eureka moment. When, suddenly, things fall into place. At times like these, I feel like jumping up shouting yippieeee.

Today, I had one such moment. After a whole week of pleading, cajoling, threatening, praying and banging my head, I finally understood what she is trying to say. And, I realized that if I press the right buttons, I can even make her say what I want her to say.

To celebrate, I went out and had a nice drink. No, not with her. She doesn’t drink.

If you are wondering when you can meet her, I’m sorry. She is ‘for my eyes only’. Only my boss is allowed to take a peek at her. That too, after I’m done with her.

But friends, please say hi to the new love of my life, the Excel Financial Model.

PS: You knew this was coming, right. After all, I am becoming too predictable nowadays.

PPS: If you can’t understand head or tail of what I have written above, don’t blame yourselves. One, I wrote this at 2.30 am, after working 12 hours and then having a few pegs. Two, unless you have spent a whole week trying to deconstruct an Excel financial model, you won’t understand or appreciate my feelings.

Oct 16, 2007

Age of Vampires

Endless hours of playing Age of Empires (AoE) through the night, after long hours at work has resulted in this stupid post. Proceed at your own risk!

I have always wondered why the makers of the AoE game did not include an ‘Indian civilization’ in the game. I mean, you can’t blame it on a westerner bias – after all, there are Chinese, Japanese and Korean options in that game.

Thus, as a loyal fan of the game, I am suggesting that they release an updated version of the game with an Indian civilization. Some indicative characteristics (in no particular order) which may be incorporated have been provided: (see, free consulting… offer open till my sanity lasts)

Villagers once used for a task will perform only that task. i.e. once a villager has been ordered to cut wood, he is assumed to belong to the ‘woodcutter caste’. The same villager cannot be asked to mine gold. If you still force him to mine gold, all the other gold miners will stop work to protest that their caste is being polluted.
Villagers will demand rest every five minutes during a game. Denial would result in strikes, bandhs and lock outs. If a ‘bandh’ option is erased, a ‘full day fast’ will be undertaken where all activities will cease in favour of fasting.
Villagers will kill one another occasionally.
Villagers who are put to work as ‘Farmers’ will suddenly commit suicide.
Women villagers should always be used in groups. If any woman villager is working alone in any corner of the map, the remaining villagers will molest her.
Some areas will always remain ‘dark’, irrespective of how many times it has been explored.
Trading of any resource at any point of time may be banned. No reasons need be given.
One unique advantage in this civilization would be the ‘no population limit’. Population will increase automatically at the rate of 2 people per second, irrespective of resources available.
Villagers will always look to migrate to other players’ towns. The most able villagers will flee to the enemy, work for him and send part of the resources back. Whenever they decide to come back, they will expect the rest of the villagers to welcome them with open arms and to kiss their feet.
Priests/Monks will not convert enemy units. The Hindu faith does not believe in conversions. Of course, units which have been converted by enemies can always reconvert. They will have to take three dips in a water body to do so.
There will be a celebration of freedom every 10 minutes. All the villagers, irrespective of whether there is enough food or gold, will chant ‘India Shining’ or ‘Incredible India’ alternatively. The enemies may be knocking down our towers and castles, but we will still celebrate.
Any deal made with allies would be subject to pressures of democracy. Thus, the same player can agree to share resources with a right click, but can object to it with a ‘left’ click. This process will continue till the allies turn into enemies and come to attack us.
Soldiers would not be allowed to use horses, elephants, camels or any other animals. They would have to get written permission from the Animal Welfare Board (headed by one Menace-ka Gandhi) before they train any animal for warfare.
When an army is formed to attack the enemy, the army should contain one villager for every three soldiers. This is part of the reservation quota, and can be increased whenever the villagers lobby for more lucrative positions in the game.
The ‘advance age’ option will always be one generation behind other players.
Half the weapons used during war will misfire. The enemies can use either ‘Bofors’ or ‘Black Label’ as cheat codes to ensure that the Indian weapons don’t fire.
Any dome shaped structure resembling a mosque will be brought down by the villagers. It does not matter whether it belongs to us or to the enemy players.

Ok, I have many more suggestions, but this is the ‘demo’ version of the idea. For viewing the full list, you will have to purchase my licensed version!

PS: For those blessed souls who don’t know what AoE is… “Be thankful. Your life is still in your hands.”