May 31, 2015

A weak attempt to recapture the past...

The Prime Minister looked at his Inner Council. "Useless bunch of idiots", he muttered to himself, "It has been more than a year. And I still have to do everything myself. From cleaning the streets to meeting the world leaders."

He took a sip of chai. "Shaanti, shaanti" he chanted in an effort to stay calm.

"Mitron, aaj ka agenda kya hai?" he asked.

"Media waale ka report hai ki there is a severe outbreak of 'social media outrage' in our country, Sir", said Amit bhai. The PM liked Amit bhai. He could be trusted to have a finger on the pulse of the voters people.

"What are they outraging about now?"

"Anything and everything, Sir."

"Stone throwing at churches"

"Muslims not getting flats on rent"

"Our partyman's remark on Mother Teresa"

"Beef ban"

"Politics in IIT Madras"

"BBC documentary on the Delhi rape"

One by one, all the ministers listed the latest topics which had sent the people into a monstrous frenzy of hashtags and retweets (RTs are not endorsements) and facebook posts and whatsapp forwards.

"There is even a hashtag that says you have insulted India", said Amit bhai. He was the only one who could bring this up without fear of losing his seat.

"What nonsense? We need to formulate a response. Image is everything. Perception matters. I want a task force set up. In fact, let's create a Ministry of Official Response to Outrage with a dedicated Department of Internal Affairs. It will have an official website. Teams of bureaucrats will formulate official responses to all the topics on which people are outraging."

All the ministers applauded. Only Amit bhai sat silent. Deep in thought.

"What is the matter, Amit bhai? Don't you like the idea?" the PM asked.

"Idea? Matlab  aaj se no ullu banaoing?" Amit bhai asked.

 "What nonsense are you talking about?"

"A word in private, Sir. Before you go ahead with the idea."

The meeting was adjourned. And Amit bhai pulled his chair closer to the PM.

"Sir ji. All this outraging is good for us. Keep people busy thinking about politics in some elite engineering college, and no one notices that farmers are dying. Keep people busy defending the image of India with the white folks and no one notices that our cities are getting unsafe for women. The people themselves refute the notion. Why shut down outrage? It is the best thing that has happenned to us."

And the PM nodded appreciatively. And said "Ok, then let's go with a 3D strategy. Develop, Divert, Defeat. Develop new issues for people to outrage about, Divert attention from the real issues and we will Defeat all our political opponents."

Amit bhai smiled. The management graduates he had selected to work as the PM's speechwriters had succeeded too well. The PM was now coining catchphrases faster than that Kotler fellow.

And thus, India narrowly missed the chance to have a dedicated official website called

PS: Blog Anniversary today. So, a post had to be written. No matter how bad. After all, tradition demands. it.

Feb 14, 2015

The Mahasabha read this post. You won't believe what happened next!

They say it is against Indian Culture.

They say it is nothing but young people mindlessly corrupted by Western influence.

They even threaten to forcibly marry you off, if they find you going out on this day with a lady of your choice.

But even those lunatics love this tradition. The tradition of me putting a limerick on V-day on my blog.

I have cribbed for seven years now. (each of those links lead to each of the seven posts. Clever, isn't it?)

And now, I proudly uphold tradition, and present to you, the Eighth (and if mom has her way, possibly the last) Post.

Can you believe it! Eight Bloody Years!
that I've been cribbing here, my dears,
about this cruel cruel thing called fate
that still hasn't led me to my dream mate.
But spare me your pity, and your tears!

You see, I haven't given up on hope...
Some of you may think I'm on dope
Or even conclude that I'm stark raving mad
But frankly, being single's not really that bad
Don't have to believe me, just ask the Pope!

I get to choose what to do with my life
no worries about offending the bossy wife
I get to do what I want with my money
and not hear, "Buying that? Really. honey?"
There is neither any argument, nor any strife!

But I see some guys, and think, "Are they on weed?
or is there some funny joke that I did not read?"
Turns out, it's got something to do with this season
that some people start smiling for no apparent reason
and say "I am in love, and there's nothing else I need!"

Now, I'm sometimes tempted to smoke that shit
just to find out what it's like to be love-hit,
To throw away all rational thought and logic
to fight against my will, and believe in magic,
the trouble is, it's a one-way street with no exit!

I mean, it's not like you can try it out to see if it works,
like, let's sign up for it, and find out what are the perks
and if we don't like what's on offer, we can just get up and quit
and say, hey, t'was nice knowing you, but here's where we split
nope, can't do that, without risking being called heartless jerks.

And that my friends is why I am still searching to find love
She has to like me for who I am, not start thinking how
can she change this loser into some dream guy material
I mean, ladies, some of you need to be told, "Get real!
A guy can't change who he is just to please you, can he now?"

But I've been told I have to make the effort to change...
to be nicer to people, even to those who make me cringe
But my problem is that I am yet to meet the gal who can,
as dear old Jack said, make me want to be a better man...
Now, is that something any of you folks can arrange?

PS: The quality of this crib has been deteriorating over the years, eh? Perhaps the blogging gods are giving me a hint.