Apr 29, 2010

Love. At what price?

“Maybe I should just break up with her”

“WTF are you saying? After all these years, how can you even think of...”

“I know. I know. It is difficult, almost blasphemous. And it pains me to even think of it.”


“Given a choice, I’ll like to be with her all my life. Till death do us part and all that. But the fact is, she is acting too pricey

“What do you mean, pricey?”

“I don’t know, man. When we started out, I never felt the pinch. Even though I came from a small town and thought she would be too posh and high society for me, I never felt it. Or rather, she never made me feel that way. Frankly, I was surprised at how easily she accepted me.”

“Yeah, she has this tendency to make people comfortable pretty quickly”

“Besides, I was surprised at how quickly I accepted her. I forgot my old crush within a matter of months!”

“Yeah, I know about M. Pretty, but a bit laid back. I personally felt she was not your type. You were a bit too ambitious for her.”

“Yeah, but I still think some of my best days were spent in her lap. But then, we all grow out of our first love, don’t we?”

“Well, some don’t. And some are lucky to find everlasting love at the first attempt”

“Hmm, I thought I could find that with this one, after the failed first attempt. But, 12 years on, and I find myself in a quandary. I still love her, but I can’t afford to keep up with her demands.”

“What do you mean? Keep up with her demands? What the hell happenned?”

“Well, what can I say? As I was saying, in the good old days, I never felt that she was this demanding. I might have struggled a bit, but every bit of the way, I felt she was a part of my struggle. She was an inspiration, one who helped me forget my worries and helped me focus on to where I was headed.”

“And then?”

“And this is the strange part. When I was struggling and poor, I felt she was beside me, encouraging me, providing me all I wanted without demand. And now, I am much better off, and starting to dream of a lovely future with her, and she has to go and get all posh and pricey?”

“Has she given up all her goodness and changed for the worse all of a sudden? Has she really become posh and elitist? Or have you?”

PS1: “She” refers to Bombay. The city I grew to love, in spite of initially thinking I never would.

PS2: Inspired by the ever spiraling real estate prices. 80+ lakhs for an under construction 2BHK in goddamn Kanjurmarg?!? Who are we kidding?

PS3: I have said this before and I say this again. You may object to the objectification of women. But please don’t object to my womenification of objects. Or places.

Apr 26, 2010

Women are bitches!

Women are bitches. Wait, why insult the bitches?

No, seriously. Can’t a guy walk down a road without being stared at, brushed upon or worse...

Just the other day, I am walking down the road, minding my own business. And first, I hear a low whistle. Then another. And before I realize, I am being followed by three absolutely loafer-type gals. It was late in the evening, and the only people around were more women. But I am a brave guy, so I turned around, took off my flat-heeled leather shoe (the only pair I have, btw) and was about to thwack one of the loafers. But thankfully, a crowd of more decently dressed women intervened and told those loafers off. Of course, some of those women stepped in only to impress me with their ‘lady-in-shining-armour’ routine, but then, what can you expect from these bitches?

I mean, c’mon, I realize I am good looking. Well-dressed of course. Smelling of success (and Set Wet Zatak!). But is that any excuse for random chicks to hit on me? Hell, don’t you have fathers and brothers at home?

And it is not just me. Ask any guy. Even the ugly ones. Yes, the same ones wearing those absolutely non-revealing loose fitting clothes to hide their paunch. And listen to their tales of woe. In fact, if I were to start a ‘full silence project’, and ask for clothes that men were wearing when they were hit upon by strange women, I am sure I would come up with a varied collection: not just speedos and bermudas and striped underwear and pink lungis with flower patterns, but even jeans (with no holes!) and formal trousers. Don’t give that excuse about the men asking for it simply by the clothes they wear! I can understand a pink flowery lungi being labelled ‘sexy’, but formal black trousers going from waist to toe! That too, with a white full-sleeved shirt!

I wish I could click a pic of every horny chick that has misbehaved in my presence and put it up on a website. If they are not staring in the general region of my crotch, they are trying to brush against my bum. Precisely why I avoid crowds as best as I can. But, being in Mumbai, how can one avoid local trains? And the darned ladies, even though they have a whole compartment to themselves, have to barge into the general compartment and abuse us? We need cops to protect us, I tell you.

And it is not just the uneducated juliets on the road. Why, even my girlfriend seems to be more focussed on getting me into bed rather than spend time talking about our future, our shared dreams, the house we will build... is sex all that you have in mind? So that you can boast about scoring with me to your gal pals while shopping for footwear?

And if one thought the parents would be more understanding, one is grossly mistaken. Why, the other day, my parents received a marriage proposal. And the girl’s mother demands that I should have a decent sized house of my own and a mid-size car before he can even consider marriage? This, from a post graduate professional working for an MNC? I told her, cattle and IPL players may be traded, not decent hard-working guys like me.

I am fed up with this female dominated world! I am organizing an underwear burning protest tomorrow. Care to join?
PS1: Contrary to the first incredulous question that pops up in your mind, no, I was not hit upon by women. But you already know that even blind women somehow sidestep me when I walk in front of them!

PS2: Inspired from a idea given by a newfound internet friend; and an old incident during monsoon last year when I tested chivalry by offering to sit at the corner seat of the shared auto since it was pouring, only to refused by the lady (aunty?) since she didn't want to sit between two men. I realized that women would rather get wet than sit between two guys. Though how brushing one side of your butt with a stranger is any lesser of a shame than two sides still beats me, I began to look at the other species with a lot more sympathy from then on. Which means, take this as a tongue-in-cheek article and don't flame me for being insensitive :)

PS3: The 'full silence project', for those who didn't get it, is a take on something called blanknoise. A concept which I disagree with, but kind of understand why it is there.

Apr 24, 2010

Accountancy in Rhyme!

Remember that time you seemed like a half-wit
when you scratched your head, and had a look
at your last month's savings account pass-book
You said "wtf is with this debit and this credit,
I had an accountancy book & I wish I had read it"

It is at such moments of confusion and fear
that you sigh in relief, "ah, SRK is here"
He'll teach me "the 3 rules, written in gold,
probably by a guy who is now very very old"
And all I have to give him, is a pitcher of beer!

I say, "now then, you have surely watched p0rn?"
while munching away at salted, buttered, pop-corn...
But, if you ain't familiar with the "system of double entry"
get some nice videos from the famed 'free speech' country
yes, the same place in which Bruce Springsteen was born

So, we come to the first golden rule of accounting
which, like LKG children, we'll now chant and sing
"debit what comes in, credit what goes out"
yes, it's that simple, that's what it's all about
don't you agree that it's a really really easy thing?

so, can we now move to rule number two
this one's personal, it asks about the 'who'
It goes "debit the receiver & credit the giver"
It don't matter whether it's a kidney or a liver
ignore what is given, look at who it's given to...

we learn rule number three in just a second
it's about what you earn and what you spend
It says: "debit all expenses, credit all gains"
now, put these 3 rules firmly into your brains
and let's grab that beer and announce: "The End."

PS1: More hectic days. More crappy rhyme.

PS2: I really need to get out of this rhyme rut and write something funny. All my puns have deserted me :(

Apr 13, 2010


Today, we shall learn Economics
Through the medium of limericks!!!
You see, I just read Dubner and Levitt
And that’s when this silly, crazy idea hit
And I came up with this deadly mix...

So, let us get started with Rule no. 1
It’s easy, it goes “In the really long run...
... everyone, the whole lot of us, are dead!”
Now, was Keynes really serious as they said,
Or was he just cracking a marathon pun?

From Keynes, we move to Rule no. 2
It simply asks “What would you really do
if I were to offer you endless cups of hot tea?”
You’ll experience Diminishing Marginal Utility
And oh, sometimes rush to the nearest loo!

And then we have Rule no. three
“In this world, those lunches ain’t free”
For a Wage, Labourers work really hard
And the Entrepreneur gets Profit as reward
i.e. monkey want fruit, monkey climb tree!

Some say Eco is such a big bore
And they never learn up to Rule no. 4
But when you hear the term Budget Deficit
Don’t just scream, “OMG, we’re in deep shit!”
It’s just “Govt’s earning less, spending more...”

And now you are ready for Rule no. 5
Do you know how industries thrive?
They do so in the hope of a rise in price
While the Govt pretends to hear your cries
The music goes on and businesses jive!

And finally, we end with Rule no. 6
When someone tells you they do exotics
And talks of contracts for call and put option
You tell them straight what I really think, son
“Eggs ain’t hatched, and they count chicks!”
PS1: Whenever I have a bad day, or rather like now, a couple of bad days, I come up with silly rhyme. Cheers me up :)
PS2: At the rate at which Murphy is haunting me, I might be writing limericks all year long!