Sep 24, 2010

The AC loses its cool!

Smoke billowed out of the Air-Conditioner (hereinafter known as "The AC") as it vented its anger. It had definitely lost its cool. "Enough is enough. I shall not endure any more of this non-sense!"

"Chill dude, pick a beer, and tell me what happenned?", said the fridge.

"Have you noticed? I end up getting blamed for everything from evil arrogance to apathy to ignorance!", the AC fumed.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, people end up dragging my name into all sorts of arguments...

When they want to accuse someone of ignorance, they say things like 'What would you know, sitting here in the city in air-conditioned comfort? Go to the villages to see the real India', while being perfectly ignorant of the fact that I am present in many rural homes!

Same goes for apathy. They'll utter contemptuously, 'Millions of farmers sweat it out in the sun to produce food so that you can sit here in your air-conditioned restaurant and enjoy it. Think about them the next time you waste food'.

And so on..."

"Hmm, I still don't get it", the tube-light said, showing a flicker of doubt.

"I mean, why don't they say 'What would you know, sitting here in your machine-washed clothes, visit the Dhobi ghat to know the real India' or 'Millions of farmers wade through muddy water while you drink your UV-purified water' or some such tripe?", the cooler joined in, blowing off some steam.

"Well, it's high time someone else got called names. I am tired of being blamed for idiocy for so long!", the TV beamed, happy to have found out that some other box was even more of a dirty word now.

"I agree. It's good to know that I am not the only thing that causes people to get hot under the collar", said the steam iron, warming up to the topic at hand.

"You see, it's about generating a positive spin. I do half as good a job as the AC, and no one has ever blamed me for anything", the fan whirred, "except maybe when people hang themselves."

"If I may I chip in...", started the computer, like the silent person who unsuccessfully tries to get a point across in a noisy GD before being cut off...

"Whirrrr, Whirrr, Whirrr" went the mixer, making no sense, but shredding everything in the process.

"I got it! I got it!", the tube-light started, though nobody was sure what point had been made at all.

PS1: I know. Lame post. But when you take inspiration from lifeless objects in your room, the jokes can neither be consumed nor be durable.

PS2: Not highlighting the puns in italics, since the engineers who read my blog are assumed to have become smarter over the years.

Sep 20, 2010

Oh God! Not again!

"What's with the silly grin?"


"Oh c'mon, out with it. I know something's cooking."

"Why so curious? I told you, it's nothing. Just enjoying the sights and sounds of my creation. How wonderful the sun looks, how beautifully the birds chirp"

"I am surprised. Most days, you are so grumpy"

"So would you be, if you are woken up with a loud suprabatham day after day after day. I can't even hit the snooze button to turn them off! And barely am I awake, and they dump a potful of water on my head!"

"What you don't like to wake up to the suprabatham? It's such a nice song..."

"I'd much prefer that new song. The one that goes Swaminathana Thoongaadhe Va Wake-ah Wake-ah Eh Eh... Swaminathana Eh Eh Wake-ah Wake-ah Eh Eh..."


"You know, the one that had that nice lady shaking her truthful hips... what's her name... aan, Shake-ira!"

"Oh, the Goddess Shakira! God, you have such a Mallu accent!!!"

"Yeah, Why do you think they call it 'God's own country'?"

"Yeah, makes sense. Anyways, I was asking, how come so cheerful today?"

"Well, you know how it is. Usually I am fed up of my job. Day in and day out, I process applications from so many people. Find me a job, make me rich, cure my illness, help me marry, I want a baby... Who do they think I am? Chamatkari Baba Bengali?"

"But I thought that was your raison d'etre... solving the world's problems. I mean, with great power comes great responsibility and all"

"You say that stupid Spiderman dialogue one more time and I'll bloody spin a web and stick your sorry ass up on it!"

"Ok, ok, chill. All I was saying is, you are God, it's your duty to solve the world's problems..."

"Isn't it enough to see that I made a beautiful garden without having to believe that I'll bury wish-fulfilling fairies at the bottom of it too?"


"What I was saying was, isn't it enough that I created the damn world? You know how difficult it is to come up with all this in six days? You can't even write a project appraisal note in that time! And just when I thought that I can take off for a vacation after all this hard work, you ungrateful people want me to stick around solving your silly problems?"

"Hmm... so, you were smiling because now you get to go on a break?"

"No, but every once in a while, in the middle of all the tiring Kashmir conundrum and the misery of millions starving while food rots in the government warehouses, I get called to do this delightful task!"

"Which is?"

"Help Priyanka find a suitable match! Now, this is work that is fulfilling. The kind of work that is the Holy Grail of every HR person who ever designed a KRA form. See, a smart, sexy, successful, single lady wants my help, MY help, to find her a guy!"

"Wow, is that alliteration or hyperbole?"

"Aww, I am talking of Priyanka Chopra! And all you can think of is figures of speech?"

"Figures which leave you speechless. Figures of speech. #sameguy"

"I should have figured that out! Damn, make that omniscient minus one."

"It's ok. So, PC wants you to fix a match?"

"Oh, don't call it match fixing. That's what those cricketers do. All I'll do is find a guy to bowl this maiden over."

"Aargh, bowl a maiden over has to be the most overused cricket pun. Being a God, you could've come up with something better!"

"It's ok. Puns are the lowest form of wit."

"You don't mean..."

"I mean!"

"Ok, you mean! Oh, I keep forgetting the original topic. But, surely, you won't lower your almighty self to become a marriage broker?!?"

"Ah, it's what I have been doing for ages. When people don't want to match horoscopes, they put flowers at my feet to help them decide. One white, one red, and pick one and so on..."

"Why don't they simply toss a coin?"

"They could, and mathematically, they'll probably end up with the same result. But you have to admit, tossing a coin is no way as dramatic as finding two different coloured flowers, placing them at a deity's feet, finding a toddler who's given the task of picking the flower, taking a deep breath and hoping that the flower you want gets picked!"

"Yeah, I agree. So, why do you think picking a guy for PC would be an enjoyable job?"

"You see, the poor girl has such simple criteria. All she wants is a sincere, honest, guy who'll love her unconditionally. And yes, he should be funny. Why, with a bit of work on the funny part, a loser like you could fit the bill!"

PS1: Yes, I know. Been away a long time. Work. And stuff. And running out of ideas.

PS2: The Waka Waka adaptation is not entirely original. But then, the one who came up with it doesn't blog. Not to my knowledge. Consider yourself acknowledged.