Monday, August 18, 2008

Azadi? Kai ka azadi?

Teri maa ki…”, cursed Raju silently as another car zoomed past him, splashing muddy water all over his uniform, the only one he had. “Saala, tera baap ka sadak samjha kya?” he shouted, knowing fully well that the driver wouldn’t hear it inside the air-conditioned confines of his car.

Raju was wet, hungry and in a terrible mood. He hadn’t eaten anything since morning, except the greasy laddoo that had been handed out at the flag hoisting at the municipal school early morning. It was raining heavily and the potholed roads were going from bad to worse. Plus, he had managed to sell only twenty flags. “Saala, aaj kal desh bhakti ka naam hi nahi raha”, he muttered to himself, “bade bade gaadi mein baithe aish kar rahe, ek jhanda nahi khareed sakte?

Priced at Re.1 each, the flags fetched him a commission of 25 paise per flag. He had hoped to sell 100 flags at least, so that he and his mother can have a decent masala dosa each. He wouldn’t buy one for his father. “baap nahi, shaitan hai woh”, he thought, “roz peeke aata hai, aur maarta hai”. But the way things were going, it looked like they’d have to settle for a wada pav each.

Raju was an enterprising boy. He sold all sorts of trinkets at traffic signals to fund his meals. Not that he had much choice. His father had been a drunken loafer for as long as he could remember. His mother toiled hard, but all her earnings were duly deposited, half at the arrack shop and half at the local pawn broker’s shop.

He had great hopes for the Independence Day. People who shooed him away from behind their tinted windows everyday, would usually buy the National Flag. Or at least he hoped they would. After all, five years’ experience at various traffic signals across the city had taught him that most people find it hard to say no to the Tiranga. But, this year, even that was not working. The country was surely going to the dogs.

Saala, woh khiladi log bhi aur medal nahi jeet rahe”, he grumbled. The day after Bindra won the gold, he had managed to sell double the number of newspapers at the signal. He never knew who Abhinav Bindra was, nor what an air-rifle is. But, thanks to that bespectacled shooter, Raju and his mom feasted for a day.

Kahin bum-wum toh phodo saale”, Raju prayed sometimes, especially on days when the attractive people in the car refused to buy the newspapers, “Sensex doobe, Mallika kisiko chumma de, ya toh Saif aur Kareena ka jhagda ho jaaye. Kuch toh lafda ho jaaye”. Anything to sell the godammed papers.

Presently, he came across an old man walking along the footpath, who beckoned him and bought two flags. The old man was a freedom fighter, and was started talking nostalgically about the glorious days of struggle. Raju stopped to listen, out of courtesy for the old man, but more so because he was bored of standing alone at the signal for hours on end. Plus, those precious flags were not selling anyways.

As the old man finished his story of non-violent marches in the face of sustained lathi charges and concluded with “aisi dilaayi is desh ko azadi”, Raju thought to himself, “kai ka azadi. Mera baap daaru se azaad nahi. Meri maa mere baap se azaad nahi. Main bhook se azaad nahi. Yeh joh bade bade gaadi mein jhanda khareede bina shaan se jaa rahe hain, woh apne kaam, paise, status, dikhave se azaad nahi.

And as his stomach growled with emptiness, he muttered, “Azadi gaya tel lene, koi jhanda toh khareedo yaar.

Friday, August 01, 2008

The Century!!!

First of all, yippieeee, woooohooooo, hurray, dhinchak dhinchak dhinchakdhin and all that happy sounding terms...

Ladies and gentlemen, please stand up and applaud the monumental effort... this is my 100th post!!!! *raises bat to crowd, looks up to heaven*

For a guy who cribbed recently about everything being measured by numbers, it is ironic that I feel so happy about this...

But, when I started the blog with a typically crappy post, I never thought I would continue to write gyaan for so long... ok, ok, i know there are people who have written posts by the thousands, but I still feel good...

I have written about happy times, I have written about senti themes, I have written stupid rhymes, I have cracked the most idiotic PJs, and typical of me, I have frequently written about crap... and more crap... and indeed, more crap...

I have wished for girlfriends, listed my previous crushes, even made up a proposal to say to the most unfortunate girl on the planet... though after calling them the unfair sex, I don't entertain much hopes of any girl falling for me...

I have cribbed here about my lacklustre social life, I have highlighted here my disinterest in movies, about how I spend my weekends doing nothing.

I tried my hand at writing stories once or twice, and realized that it takes far more skill than what I originally thought... but I still plan to write fictional accounts more and more...

I have attempted to question my religious belief by mocking a lot of things... God, priests, godmen, astrology, numerology, astrologers (again and again)... if each of them curses me even once for such stupid posts, I can look forward to rotting in hell for a long time to come...

However, I wouldn't say I am entirely rational... when things go wrong, I find it easier to blame my friend, or my birthcharts... although I finally end up accepting that sometimes things get screwed up and it is all because of me...

I have also mocked life at a b-school (attitudes, jargons, placement process, presentations, group discussions, their know-it-all behaviour)... it is but natural, since most of my blog writing happenned during the two years of timepass that they call MBA...

I have also mocked a lot of random other things... bollywood babes who refuse to kiss, salma hayek and her god-given gifts (drool, excuse me while I wipe off the drool), b-schools with outrageous ads, my students, an expensive IPO, compulsory social service...

If you think this blog was all about mocking things around the world, I should assure you that I have tried to do some thinking too... I keep thinking about whether man created god or vice versa, whether man makes his own destiny, whether your entire life boils down to a roll of a heavenly dice... and I must confess that I am thoroughly confused about it all...

All said and done, I have thouroughly enjoyed this blogging thingy, and hope I can get to the double hundred real quick... wish me luck!!!

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PS: Thought long and hard about a special topic for "the century post", but couldn't choose any one topic... so, decided to go back nostalgia lane, and found that I do enjoy reading my old posts!!!

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Bachelors and Dogs not allowed!

The last few days, one has been involved in an activity that is considerably more difficult than getting the Left to support the nuclear deal, or bringing the oil price below $100.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, one has been on the look-out for a place to rent in Mumbai.

For those who have never stayed in Mumbai, one recommends the following exercise. Go to your bathroom, and mentally imagine that there is a TV in place of your wash basin and a sofa in place of the potty. Voila, you just saw the hall of the ‘Mumbai house’. Now, locate the cupboard in your house, yes, the old trusted Godrej wala, empty it of all the junk you have, and then get into it. Yes, get into it. What do you mean you cannot? How do you plan to bathe and do other morning tasks if you have to live in Mumbai? You expect a bathroom which is larger than that? Huh, who are you, the guy whose father owns an oil well in Saudi Arabia? Better tell him to start digging another if you want a bigger bathroom.

Oh, you are willing to adjust to the cramped place? Nice. That will be 30 grand rent and ten times that as deposit. What do you mean “that’s too much”? Go back to your stone age village then, and shit all you want in open air fields.

Where do you work? IDFC? Oh, the bank? No? Not HDFC? Why didn’t you get a job in a nice bank, like SBI? Anyways, who cares where you work as long as I receive my monthly rent. Half in cash please. Don't want to attract the taxman.

Accha, I hope you are a vegetarian? You see, we have nothing against people who eat non-veg. After all, we do have a modern outlook. We even allowed our daughter to eat at her friend Fatima's birthday. We just don’t want to pollute our house. Hope you understand.

By the way, where is your family? What do you mean, they are living in Tamil Nadu? Where is your wife then? Oh, you are not married? Are you *shudder* a bachelor? The same species that does nothing but drink beer, play loud music late into the night and brings *oh my god* girls over to stay the night?

What do you mean you don’t listen to music, leave alone loudly? All bachelors do. And do you frankly expect me to believe that girls don’t even say hi to you, leave alone come over to stay the night? You don’t have a girlfriend? Do I look like I got kicked out of Paanchvi Paas in the first round? Bah! How many bachelors I have seen in my life? Why, I was one a few years back, lest you forget! So what if I did not have any girls over to stay the night? I belong to a generation that knew what discipline meant. “Aaj kal ke bacche, hey ram, ab bolne ke liye bacha hi kya hai!”

I am sorry, please come back when you are married. We only give houses to respectable families.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Taxing your brains...

Warning: Long, really long, and slightly academic post. Expect no PJs. Expect no sarcasm. In short, read it like you are going to watch a Bollywood movie.

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Long time readers of the blog would know that the author hates paying taxes and is vaguely skeptical about the market mechanism’s ability to solve many problems. Long time readers would also know that the author has the unfortunate habit of thinking in wayward directions and writing posts that don’t make much sense.

The author tries his hand at attempting more of the same… trying his hand at coming up with some fundae while he really doesn’t understand the complex concepts involved.
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Last week, while I was trying to file my taxes and cribbing about the colossal waste of money, an idea struck. I am not claiming it is original, but I strongly claim that I haven’t plagiarized anything.

How would it be if I, as a tax payer, am given power to decide how my taxes should be spent? As in, after computing my tax for the year, instead of paying the amount directly to the tax department, I am presented with an opportunity to direct my tax payments to utilities which would provide me the services that I think are important.

Some immediate advantages come to mind:
Collection Efficiency:
The current tax system involves first collecting large sums of money, pooling it at the Centre, and then some wise guys planning on how to blow up the money by allocating the pool to different states. So, first money travels from my pocket, to a Central authority, who then distributes it to a multitude of agencies for providing services. Leakages occur on both the collection and the re-distribution of the money. Wouldn’t it be more efficient if I pay the money directly to the agency which is going to spend it to provide me the services I need?

More efficient allocation of resources:
Economics is all about unlimited wants, and limited resources and prioritizing wants so that the resources can be allotted to the most pressing need. Economics is also about measuring empirically the wants of rational human beings. Empirical measurement means that while I may sit and dream about owning a Ferrari, and millions of my fellow humans may do the same, it does not mean that the Ferrari plant manager will say “The whole world loves our cars. Let us make billions of it”. No, it is about putting my money where my mouth is.


So, while people might ask for better roads, stable power supply, clean drinking water and good medical facilities all at the same time, the reality of limited resources means they won’t be able to satisfy all these wants at one go. So, we force them to choose which their most pressing need is, and hope that as rational human beings, they choose their important problem to be solved first. Plus, we ask them to stick to their choices in the sense they should commit their money to it.


Now, since the world believes that market forces of demand and supply are more efficient at allocating resources than a centrally planned authority sitting at deciding who is allowed to produce how much, shouldn’t the power of market be allowed to decide which services need to be provided? If the villagers believe that they need a hospital and not 24 hour power supply for the time being, why should some minister sitting at Delhi decide to go for rural electrification instead of rural health? The added benefit is that politicians can no longer go and promise ‘bijli, sadak, pani’ for votes, considering that people would get the services they want by allocating money for it.

More accountability and efficiency in providing the services:
Competition is supposed to make the providers of goods and services more efficient than a monopolist market. Most utility providers are inefficient because they get their budgetary allocation irrespective of their performance. So, when you force service providers to compete with one another for resources, they might become more efficient in providing the service. A road laying utility would know that unless it promises good roads and proves that it can maintain them in good condition, the tax payers won’t allocate money to it, and may instead spend it on water pipelines instead. Or some such competing service. You get the general idea.
Again, since the tax payers know which agency has got how much money to provide what service, they can make it accountable. Hopefully, such a system would make citizens more ‘activist’ but then, since this is India, I am not betting on it.


Now we come to the negatives of such a system:
The ‘Bottom of the Pyramid’ problem:
The age-old argument against free market forces. If rich people are going to pay taxes, and have a say on how it is going to be allocated, it might be expected that more money would be spent building a tree-lined, concrete paved promenade at Marine Drive than building a hospital in rural UP or an irrigation pipeline in Vidharba.

The ‘Missing the Big Picture’ problem:
Human nature indicates that immediate concerns get magnified while larger, distant concerns are shrugged off. Allowing citizens the choice of directing their tax money might lead to roads in localities getting re-laid at the sight of the first pothole (everyday traffic problems, immediate problem for urban citizens), while defence forces (security of the country, a distant problem for people not living in troubled areas) may not get any money. Considering the experience of housing societies in Mumbai, where interiors of every house is impeccably done while the decade-old paint on the society walls peels away, it might be said that issues which affect the nation at large may get neglected while money is directed to issues that address a small cluster of influential groups.

The “Neither Here nor There” problem:
What happens when there are two competing projects, say electric supply versus better roads, and half the citizens are for the first while half are for the rest. While earlier, at least one project was getting complete, now, both projects will have partial funds and neither will start. Considering the widely held belief that if you put three Indians in a room, you get five opinions, this cannot be ruled out.
The situation is further compounded by the problem that while 80% of the people may want electric supply, 20% of the people may contribute higher taxes and ask for better roads. Then, this reverts to the Bottom of the Pyramid problem.

Of course, some of these can be alleviated by allowing the tax payers to allocate a portion of their money to schemes/services of their choice while collecting some in a common pool. And getting the wise men from planning committees to decide on how to use the common pool money.

The ‘Did You Really Pay Up?’ problem:
Then there is a problem of monitoring the payments in a decentralized manner. If there is not enough ‘near real time’ information, what is to prevent a dishonest citizen from claiming that he has paid utility XYZ without actually coughing up the money? Suppose a person’s tax liability is rupees one lakh, and he claims to have paid ten thousand at ten different utilities, who is going to run around checking whether he has done so?

But considering that there is a system of claiming deductions for charitable contributions by producing a receipt, the same can be extended to utilities issuing a receipt for the amount that a person contributes to them. Add the fact that a dishonest citizen can cheat the system no matter what, and it really doesn’t make much of a difference.
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So, would such a system work? Or will we revert back to a system where only those who paid taxes had a vote, and defeat the very principle of universal suffrage, on which our democracy proudly stands? Will such a system deny the poor the only right they have, that of ‘collective voting’ and lobbying the political system to provide them some meager benefits.

I am still wondering…

Monday, July 21, 2008

1... 2... 3...

Tomorrow, we will know what happens to the Govt. and to the unclear deal...

but, looking at what has been happenning so far, I was just thinking...
1. The BJP is not opposed to the deal per se... but to some portion of the Hyde Act... and also that Congress could gain credit for the deal... so, once they are convinced that the Hyde Act could be negated (there was some talk of India's "Jekyll Act"), and that they can win next time round, they should not be opposing the deal...

2. The Left is not opposed to Congress per se... but to the nuclear deal... once they know that the deal will go thru no matter what, and there is a possibility that the BJP will form the next government, they'd rather support the lame Congress than the "communal" (in their words, not mine) BJP...

3. Manmohan is concerned about India's energy security (in his words, not mine) and not just political mileage... once he assures BJP that he can negate Hyde Act and raise the possibility of the BJP winning next time, he can get BJP to support the nuclear deal...

So, if I were Manmohan, and I had the nation's interest in mind, and not just my term as PM... and I was more concerned about going down in history as the man who signed the nuclear deal and not just remained as a lame duck PM, I would ask BJP to support me on the nuclear deal (with provision to enact an Jekyll Act) and then step down and offer the Govt to BJP...

So, Mr.PM, is it going to be power for India or power for yourself?
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PS: I know I suck at interpreting politics, so people who jump and say "That's so naive"... hold it... I know! After all, democracy allows me to day dream...

Monday, July 14, 2008

The dreamer is dead... his dreams burnt...

Three years ago, a young man wrote, (in response to a query on a b-school form on “What is the alternate career that you would like to pursue?”) “Teaching. I would like to be a teacher. A person who can shape minds. A person who they can look at as a friend. A person who can inspire young people to follow their dreams…” and such similar senti stuff. He wrote all this even when he did not know terms like ‘paradigm shift’ and ‘thought leader’.

He was not writing an answer to impress the panel of b-school judges about his interest in a 'noble profession'. He sincerely believed that a teacher could change his students’ lives. That a teacher could be a role model, that he could make them remember not just debit and credit but the way to account for right and wrong, make them learn not just economics but make them change the economy of the country. Such noble thoughts. Such foolish ambitions.

Some of his students went on to do well. He believed he had played a part in getting them to believe in their abilities, in getting them to think beyond the obvious…

The young man went on to do an MBA. Apparently, the panel of judges did not bother about the stupid “I want to be a teacher” line, when they knew in their hearts that every guy who enters those hallowed gates goes out with million dollar dreams. Ok, million rupee dreams.

The young man did the same thing that 99% of MBAs do. Got a good job with a nice pay packet. And conveniently buried his ambition to be a ‘thought leader’ to students.

He came across an initiative by a leading newspaper that exhorted people to stop being armchair critics of the government, and go out and do something instead. A front page advert which asked for just two hours of time in a week, to ‘Teach India’. Three years back, he would have signed up without thinking.

But now the young man thought, “yeah, the more kids that learn English, the more newspapers you can sell…”

And he also thought, “And half of those who sign up will put a pathetic “I volunteered for Teach India” to spruce up their CVs and show that they care for the society…”

And he continued thinking, “And those poor kids, who will see new teachers every other week, will just end up memorizing alphabets, and nothing more. Where is the time to form a relationship, to earn their respect, to make an impression?”

He was thinking these thoughts even though he had not gone ahead and seen the good work that the people involved are likely doing.

And he finally thought, “When you see everything with cynicism, you cease to be a young man anymore.”

The dreamer is dead. The corporate rat race has buried him. And no one mourns. Not even his students.

His dreams have been burnt. And a cynic rises from the ashes…

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Numerically speaking...

How much did the baby weigh?
It’s already nine months, and he hasn’t started crawling yet?
He is three years old, have you put him in school yet?
Beta, How many marks did you get?
What is your rank? Oh, you lost the first rank by 2 marks?
How did you lose the centum in Maths? So what if it is by only one mark, a centum is a perfect score. Anything less is imperfect.
How fast did you run the 100 metre race? What?? You came last?
What is your height? At your age, it should be more.
How much did you score in X std?
How much is the cut off for admission in that college/course?
What is your CAT percentile?
How many calls did you get? How many did you convert?
What is your CGPA?
How many job offers did you get?
What is the package? What is the take-home? What is the variable pay?
How much is your increment? What was the bonus?
What is your weight? Waist size? It is too much for your age!
How much rent do you pay? What is the area of your house?
How many girlfriends do you have?
When are you getting married?
How many kids do you plan to have?
What is the price of your home? How many sq. ft?
How many homes do you own?
What did you pay for that car?
When do you plan to retire?
How much money would you want before retiring?
How much is your mediclaim cover?
How much is your pension plan?
Oh, he is dead! What is his life insurance worth? How much did he leave behind for his kids?

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For a guy who makes a living crunching numbers, I am sometimes fed up of people measuring everything numerically...