An old crush comes visiting...

An old crush came visiting this weekend. Bringing with her memories unpleasant. With a tiny bit of nostalgia.

I hadn't met her for about 4 years now. Or was it 5? It seems so long ago, that I don't even remember.

What I do remember is how she used to make me feel. One word. Breathless.

She visited only occasionally. But when she did come, everything else was secondary. Food, studies, games, even sleep. I'd lie back, she'd be close to my chest, but there would be no sleep. Together, we'd dream, sometimes wonderful dreams, but mostly nasty nightmares.

She used to decide what I could eat. What I could drink. What kind of clothes I could wear. What places I could visit.

In effect, she used to rule my life. And frankly, I was beginning to feel a bit suffocated in the relationship.

And I slowly broke away from her. It took some dedicated effort, in fact 3 years of it. But I did not want to do anything fishy, just for a quick break-up.

And even when we were through, done and dusted, I was aware that we may move on, but we'll never be able to forget each other. And that she may come back anytime she pleases.

But she didn't return for 4 years. Or was it 5?

And I had almost forgotten about her. Even discarded the sucker gifts she had given me during her visits.

Till this Thursday, when I went Cough Cough. Acchhoooo. Sniff.

All's well, in spite of all the swine flu fear, all we have to do is visit the doc and pop some pills. Relax, relax, take a deep breath...

Wheeze.

Wheeze.

Welcome back, Ms. Asthma.

I have always had a thing for names beginning with A. Asin, Amrita (Rao, not Arora), Aish, Alyssa and of course, you.

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PS1 : Fellow sufferers if any, please don't list down your inhaler horror stories, or miracle cures for now... I am kinda depressed as it is, so let's keep it for when I'm back in my happy mood.

PS2: In spite of the cold, cough, fever, and the associated "did you test for the swine flu" kinda depressing questions, one can't help but come up with a sicko PJ:

Q. What do they call swine flu in Tamil?

A. Panni Pani.

(non-Tams, please note the second word is not pronounced like the hindi word for water!)

The Mehendi we like... (may be NSFW)

I don't know if the friend did read the last post, but I find this in my mail box.

I have no words.

It is green, and it makes me turn red with rage...

Warning: Slightly MCPish post. If you are female and sensitive (is there any other kind?), please, please don't read this.

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Time was when a Tambrahm guy could just sit around, playing cards and ogling chicks in their finest silks, on the eve of a relative's marriage. When all he had to do was turn around, and some over-enthu pattu-pavadai-clad-mami-in-the-making would be running around with coffee tumblers and hand him a delicious helping of filter kaapi. With a cute smile too. Ah, those were the days...

The glorious days before the Barjatyas and Johars of the world came up with their Punjabi wedding videos disguised as movies. They introduced alien concepts like designer mehendi and what not, to the hitherto one-big-circle-on-the-palm-and-five-caps-on-the-fingers maamis and their daughters.

And that, dear fellow MCP mamas, was the day when we came to know what women empowerment was, and how it stinks. Much more than the stink of the green goo mehendi.

We would have tolerated it if it were just the bride. After all, it is supposed to be the biggest day of her life and one could tolerate a few eccentric wishes.

But no, the whole female section sits down, gets mehendi all over their hands and feet, and then whenever any work is to be done, they literally throw up their hands...

It gets worse if you happen to be the bride's brother / cousin (especially if you are in your twenties and single). Because, much as one would love to sit back and take in the sight of pretty girls in their pattu podavais and their jhumkis, one would be forced to run around like a dog. Fetch the key we forgot in the house, fetch a rickshaw for the bride's friend, fetch Paati's eye-glasses, fetch, fetch, fetch... At the end of it all, if someone throws a stick, one would go after it like a retreiver. All while the ladeej are sitting around admiring the designs (?) on their hands.

And after they are all done and dusted, they further infuriate you the next day with inane questions like "ain't my mehendi darker than hers?" For all I care, you could have horse shit on your hands lady, and it won't make any difference.

The next big pet peeve is the bride's mehendi. Apparently, the 'bhabhi' (or mausi?) who does mehendi attended some innovation class and decided, for a change, to earn her 1000 bucks per hand. So, she comes up with this great idea of writing the groom's name, one alphabet at a time, in some corner of the strange patterns she makes up.

Now, the bride is not satisfied with just harassing the guy she's getting married to. So, post marriage, while you are taking a 5 min breather before you are asked to fetch something, she'll call you, open her palms, and say (in what she imagines to be a cute voice) "find the letters on the hand".

Geez lady, for one, we are too old to be playing this treasure hunt thingy. And two, that mausi (bhabhi?) could have written "asshole" for all I care. And three, no that squiggle does not look like an 'A', whichever angle you look at it!

But thankfully, before the bride gets a dose of SRK's special brand of sarcasm, someone calls to fetch Paati's rubber chappals which she forgot outside the bathroom.

Believe me guys, I have never felt gladder to go and pick up a pair of slippers...

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PS1: This post has been sitting on the draft folder for quite some time. It is the result of attending too many marriages lately, plus an email discussion on the pre-marriage craziness with some like-minded friends.

PS2: I know some of my friends, and all of my cousins / aunts are gonna hate me for this. But it is ok. Sometimes, a guy's gotta do what he's gotta do...

Ps3: A personal reward of 5000 bucks from my side for anyone who can make mehendi with itching powder...

Pudhumozhi (Part II)

Excuse the lazy post, but I am running out of ideas and re-cycling old ideas don't seem that bad...

So, here goes... the uniquely Tambrahm proverbs...

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Keep your mouth shut...

And your nostril open while you do pranayamam!

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There’s no smoke...

As divine as the one from our Ganapathy homam fire!

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Laughter is the...

Best medicine, but you’ll still have to drink that kashayam!

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Practise what...

The swamigal on the Aastha channel preaches.

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A rolling stone...

Is the secret of paati’s lip-smacking chutney!

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Variety is the spice...

And that’s why we have manga thokku, narthanga and avakka oorugai.

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The grass is always greener...

In the You Ess Yay, so apply for the H1B.

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Ask no questions...

Just blindly follow what the shastrams (and the sastrigal) said.

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To err is human...

But how could you not get a centum in maths?

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Scratch my back...

I don’t want to ruin my newly changed poonal!

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PS: Once again, please bear with the recycled crap while we try to come up with something original and funny.

Beware, there is a new virus in town!!!

Beware, there is a new virus in town. It is said to be highly contagious.

The trouble is, governments are not yet on high alert, leave alone setting up committees to tackle the problem.

WHO has not declared it an epidemic, or a pandemic, and is not even monitoring the situation closely.

This virus is rumoured to affect people who stay in closed door environments, especially offices.

It is a new strain, and scientists have named it E1ME1 – Each One Mail Every One.

Symptoms include an irresistible recursive tendency to forward mails on the virus (topics including but not limited to listing down the symptoms, listing ways to stop the spread of the virus, listing phone numbers of various agencies and hospitals), a disturbing urge to wear weird looking ineffective masks, a heightened sense of imagination of experiencing some symptoms (usually occurring in concurrence with an inability to spell or decipher ‘hypochondriac’) and a penchant to offer some self prescribed medicinal advice.

While the number of people affected by this virus is unknown, we are happy to report that there have been no casualties. The virus is not fatal, though some of the recipients of the mails have been wishing otherwise.

No scientists are yet engaged in working on cures for this. However, sources on condition of anonymity opined that a slightly strong application of force by a human leg to the patient’s backside may help contain the spread of the disease.

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PS1: Speaking of diseases, did you know I suffer from Gymnesia - a tendency to forget to go to the gym. Not to be confused with Ghajinesia - a tendency to go to the gym and forget.

PS2: One of the side effects of Gymnesia is Fatigue - where the patient becomes extremely tired of people calling him / her fat.

PS3: However, let me clarify that I do not suffer from OBC-ity - a tendency to throw one's weight around without merit. Apparently, you are born with it. Or, you'll have to get a certificate for it.

PS4: Last heard, there was no punacea for these diseases. And so, I am doomed!

A little known story from Ramayana

There is a little known side-story in the Ramayana that very few people are aware of.

It happenned when Lord Rama was in exile. Living a peaceful life in the forest, with his lovely wife and devout brother. Away from cruel step-mothers and back bending maids.

Just when everything was quiet and nice, there appeared a terrible distraction.

Demon princess Surpanakha was roaming around in the forest, looking for some action. And she saw Rama, and she was smitten. “Wow, now that’s an ideal man”, she said to herself.

So she changed form, and appeared before Rama as an irresistible beauty. She tried to woo Rama, but he was not impressed. He was a perfect man, and a monogamous one at that (which firmly proves that the story is plain myth, but let’s not hurt religious sentiments here!).

Anyways, when Rama did not succumb to temptation, Surpanakha turned to Lakshmana. Who turned out to be even more of a perfect man and refused her saying he was a married man. (I mean, Rama at least could have been thinking Sita might sulk, but Lakshmana knew that Urmila won’t even come to know).

Anyways, to cut a long nose (oops, story) short, Surpanakha was humiliated and sent back. And perfect men though they were, they forgot one little detail: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!!!”

So, Surpanakha went back to Lanka, and cried her heart out to her dear brother, the almighty demon king Ravana. Ravana flew into a rage, and promised his little sister that he would make the people who did this to her pay dearly.

Now, Ravana was an all powerful king, conqueror of the three worlds, but he had one little weakness. You see, Ravana had ten heads, but as is the case with divided responsibility (also called group work in b-school lingo), every head used to assume that the other would take care of the all the brain work. So, he was a forgetful person.

So, to remind him of his promise, Surpanakha did what all women do when they need men to remember things. She tied a thread around his hand.

And in honour of that tradition, to this day, sisters tie a thread around their brothers’ hands. It is celebrated as Rakshas Bandhan, a symbol of the bond between a brother and a sister.

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PS1: Inspired by recent posts of Naren. A person whom I have never met, but who has made me chuckle quite a bit.

PS2: Not intended to hurt any religious sentiments. So, please spare me the sermon about respecting our epics.

SRK's Laws Part II

You know the feeling when you are poring over legal documents, trying to understand the hitherto and thereunder, and you say to yourself, "I wish I could make a law. I would ban the damn lawyers". You don't? Well, you don't do loan documentation. Lucky you!

And then it struck me, I can make laws. I made them sometime back, and they weren't too bad.

So, here we present (applause!!!) SRK's Laws part-II:

SRK’s First Law of Movie watching: Watching a good movie is fun. Discussing it is not.

SRK’s Second Law of Movie watching: Watching a crappy movie is boring. Dissing and cussing it is not.

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SRK’s First Law of Impressing the Boss: When you have too much work and no time to even list it down, the boss will have too much work and no time to listen to your list.

SRK’s Second Law of Depressing the Boss: When you have no work and all the time to list down nothing, the boss will have too much time and no work but to ask for your list.

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SRK’s First Law of Ageing: When everyone around you is talking of how old you are becoming, you pretend to hear them and keep quiet.

SRK’s Second Law of Ageing: When everyone around you is talking and you pretend to hear them and keep quiet, you are becoming old.

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SRK’s First Law of Life Cycle Planning: When everybody and his uncle ask you to find a girl and get married, it is too early.

SRK’s First Law of Life Cycle Planning: When everybody and his married girl ask for an uncle and find you, it is too late.

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SRK’s First Law of Getting Unlucky: After years of searching, when you start to like a girl, she’ll turn out to be a staunch believer in arranged marriage.

SRK’s Second First Law of Getting Lucky: After years of searching, when a girl starts to like you, she’ll turn out to be a desperate believer in arranged marriage.

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SRK’s First Law of Blogging: Most people blog because they have something to say. But some sadly end up saying nothing.

SRK’s Second Law of Blogging: I blog because I have nothing to say. And I happily end up exactly as planned.

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PS: To those of you who are thinking of making a law to ban blog posts like these, keep dreaming...

Kambakht Ishq: Must watch!!!

Kambakht Ishq (KI) is a truly landmark movie in Bollywood. One which raises the bar on portrayal of women empowerment in Hindi Cinema. Truth be told, I am surprised that the Ram Sene didn’t object to its screening and our parliamentarians didn’t want to ban it outright.

There are very few movies which make me want to write about them. Going against my policy of not doing movie reviews. Kidnap was one. KI is even better.

For starters, there is the leading lady. Whose characterization on the script would have been just two words: “hates men.” But why would she wear skimpy outfits and come dolled up like a tart, you may be tempted to ask. And that, dear perverted MCP viewer, is the first sign of empowerment. Unlike the male of the species which hits the gym to develop six packs in the name of fitness, when the true reason is to attract chicks, the female of the species dresses up because she likes to look good. And feel good. Not for you to ogle at and grope. Unfortunately, Bollywood has so far upheld the male-centric ‘sajna hai mujhe sajna ke liye' view. And dear Bebo shatters that myth with a six inch heel.

Second, the lady is a doctor. And a surgeon at that. (mind you, not plastic!!!). And she moonlights as a model to pay for medical school. Doesn’t go, “papa/bhaiya/mamaji, mujhe paise chahiye”. In one shot, she destroys the myth that women cannot be financially independent. And proves that you no longer have to be the vamp in the movie to earn money by your looks. Another yay for the sisterhood!

Although they don’t mention that she is also an MBA, I think she is. When she makes an operational mistake, she rectifies it with a strategic plan. She doesn’t go begging for forgiveness. Instead, she tricks the hero into falling in love with her. Even if she has to shimmy down a boat wearing a black one-piece. (I was about to say tight black one-piece but remembered that nothing looks tight on a size zero). She has no qualms bedding him to achieve her goal. And the hero makes a weepy speech about love for a change.

And just when you thought this movie have reached the stratosphere of super sisterhood, they end it with a bang (not that bang, you perverts!). The lady smooches the hero to shut him up. Just like he did to shut her up at the start of the movie. (On that note, imagine if the ticket checker in Jab We Met had done it to achieve the same result!). While snooty reviewers (who probably sat in the first bench all their school life) may deride this as ‘pandering to the front benchers', it is another wow moment for the sisterhood. A gal can give it back twice as good as she gets. She can bastard you every time you bitch her. She can kiss you twice for the one you gave.

If only she had kicked the baddies' asses also. But then, why would you want to snatch away poor Sly Stallone’s retirement benefit fund?

Not since Madame Mallika walked up to the medical shop and asked for a condom in Khwaish, not since Rani sold her soul in LCMD, not since Preity had a live-in pregnancy in Salaam Namaste has a movie been so vocal about women and their innate power.

So, gals, what are you waiting for? Drag your boyfriend / husband to the nearest movie theatre and show him what stern stuff you are made of.

All in all, an eye-opening experience.

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PS1: Ladies, please don’t read this. Guys, it has chicks in bikinis and minis, long kisses, Denise Richards climbing out of a pool (remember Wild Things?)... a must watch with a beer pack, a pirated DVD (to pause at the right scenes) and a bunch of guys who can hoot and whistle at every pause. All in all, a fly-opening experience.

PS2: The movie made me introspect too... When Bebo goes, "Who would want to marry a sick bastard like you?", I felt she was talking to me and not Akshay!

PS3: For the tams who are probably gloating “ha, one more indhi padam remake”, remember KI is as different from PKS as I am from the real Shahrukh Khan. After all, what could be more different than veteran actor Kamal playing a hanuman-bhakt than veteran non-actor Akshay playing a kambakht?