May 5, 2009


There are a plethora of how-to books and articles in the market. How to lose weight, how to score with girls, how to get rich, how to retire early, how to improve your sex life etc etc.

This one below will make as much sense as any of them, IMHO...

So, without boring you further, let's head straight to "How to frighten a tiger! In his own den!"

Step 1: Take a huge, noisy vehicle which clatters and clangs at every bump and trough in the wild road. No rubber lining on the doors, please. See below for illustration.

Pic credit:

Step 2: Get a full blown Gujju family as your co-passengers. The ideal family shall include one floral print bush shirt with cream trousers wearing uncle, one ill-fitting tee-wearing aunty, their old, half bent if-I-see-a-tiger-I'll-die-of-fright maaji, two daughters, atleast one of which should be wearing a shocking pink top which glitters in the sunlight.

Step 3: Say nothing while said Gujju family does what typical Gujju families do. (Aside: Whatever you say counts for zilch, so save your breath). Explanations given below for reference.

Explanation 3a: Gujju aunty would loudly open Kurkure packet (1 No.), biscuit packets (2 Nos.) and offer it to everyone in the vehicle. Yes, even to poor Michael from UK sitting in the corner trying to ignore the antics. Offering Nice biscuits is her way of being nice.

Explanation 3b: Gujju aunty would request you to pass on water bottles, shawl, biscuit and miscellaneous other items from her seat in the third row to thirsty, shivering, hungry maaji sitting in the first row. Of course, Gujju aunty would realize that we are not supposed to talk, and thus would whisper loudly to you. Or worse, poke you. Not Facebook style. You, of course, should helpfully sit in the second row.

Explanation 3c: Gujju uncle would shout "Arre, thepla devanu" (ok, pardon my gujrati), when he sees some deer. (note to dim-witted readers: Not even deer in the wild can resist the irresistable urge to taste some methi thepla.)

Explanation 3d: Gujju daughter number one would wave the packet of Kurkure at a herd of elephants. If at first, they ignore, she'd wave harder. GD No.1 would also make strange noises while waving.

Explanation 3e: When the vehicle reaches the spot where there are three other vehicles waiting (noiselessly!) near a bush, and one of the drivers puts a finger on his lips to indicate we should maintain silence, Gujju daughter number two would helpfully make "tch tch tchu" noises, as if trying to call out to a dog. The expression on the face of the firangs who have been waiting there for an hour and a half is a sight to behold, much better than any tiger can offer. 

Step 4: Sit back and marvel at the ability of a single non-violent, peace-loving, Gandhiji-birth state-native, pure-vegetarian-not-even-onion-eating family's ability to frighten the majestic king of the jungle into hiding. Armed with nothing more than a packet of Kurkure, and a shocking pink top.

Step 5 (Bonus tip): Rest your eyes on the bare shoulders of the feminine half of the honeymooning couple in the front row. Try to remember whether the dress she's wearing is what they call a halter-neck. Try not to cringe at the purple bra-straps peeking out. (Important: Resist urge to pull said strap and see whether it snaps back with a pop sound!!!).


PS: Regional non-discrimination disclaimer: I have nothing against Gujjus. Some of my best friends come from that state. 

PS2: Inspired from Son-of-Bosey's "Wash Basin is not a verb" joke: Spotted Deer is not a verb!!


  1. RFOL!
    Poke you,(not facebook style)
    Gujjus with their shiny pants brighter than the most expensive Mica!

    P.S : Resisting urge with lot of difficulty.

  2. Nice one...Pink dresses???thats a bulls eye...gujju do crack you open at times...

  3. I've had the pleasure of observing said species (Gujjus) in their habitat (American motel) and I concur fully. :)

  4. @ Vivek:
    resisting urge wasnt all that difficult... the masculine half of the couple was fitter than I am...

    @ sid:
    at times? AT TIMES??
    they crack you open EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!

    @ Idling:
    "pleasure" of observing said species? you do have a twisted sadistic sense of pleasure!

  5. As a 3rd-row-non-gujju-seater, I'd like to draw your attention to another innovative idea used by the flowery shirt uncle to invite the tigers - "Jhalak dikhla ja (2)...ek baar aaja aaja aaja aaja aaaa jaaaa"

    Long live HR!!!

  6. Now I Know What you did Last weekend.( a la I know what you did last summer)

  7. Lol! Dude gujjus are a class apart. Did you get a load of the IPL trophy? I'm pretty sure no one except modi would want to have it in their living room! Pah edho 70s deesco telugu padam set lerndhu thiridindu vantaanga polarku

  8. Well...the bra strap WAS inviting...the woman however was not...thankfully I did not have a pair of scissors...otherwise who knows ?!

  9. @ Noops:
    oh yeah, how could I forget that? Thank god the aunty ji didn't start an antakshari as a follow-up!

    @ Venky uncle:
    I thought you already did when I mailed you the pics...

    @ Chutney:
    Modi is a Gujju? I thot he was a Maadu (Marwari)... either ways, difficult not to overdose on bling when all the diamond merchants come from your village...
    and LOL at the 70s deesco telugu padam reference...

    @ spidey:
    you could have asked noops for the scissors... and the rock... and paper... :D

  10. Obviously you practise non-violence more effectively than they do. Pity the animals seem to have followed your example.


  11. Perhaps I should clarify that "the pleasure" was associated with seeing some female members of the species.

  12. @ J.A.P.:
    Of course, I am a decidedly non-violent guy... more to do with lack of ability to bash up people though...

    dunno why the animals were non-violent though...

    @ Idling:
    ah, much as we abhor the said species, the females members are usually eye-catching...

  13. what? no brand preference in biskoot?

  14. @ RR:
    "Offering Nice biscuits is her way of being nice."

    There, the brand preference :)

    We believe in 'subtle' product placement...

  15. Apparently in Gujarat, businessmen grooms are much preferred to salaried income ones; whereas the reverse is true down south.

  16. @ Anjana:
    Actually it works the other way... they marry, and then take over the father-in-law's business :)

  17. "Arre, thepla devanu" Lol he he he he

  18. Lol @ response to Rukmani

  19. @ Perception:
    i actually like thepla... but then, offering it to the deer was a bit too much :)

    @ Vivek:
    mebbe Mr. Modi should take a leaf outta my book instead of thrusting "DLF Maximum" every time a ball crosses a rope ;)