Protecting Indian Culture

I have formed a Sene (pronounced Say-Nay, because we say nay to any change in tradition). Members of our army are going through the list of 33 crore names to see which one we can use for our outfit. We need something unique, yet easy to remember. All the top names like Shiv and Sri Ram are already taken. And we all know Brahma was a wimp who lied, and was cursed not to be worshipped.

We plan to go to each and every Udipi and beat up people who eat dosa/idli with spoon and fork. Eating with spoons/forks is definitely not part of Indian culture. It represents blatant westernization, which cannot be allowed to corrupt the age-old practice of using your hands.

Besides, majority of these western culture worshipping apes do not know how to hold a spoon or fork. They use the fork to jab the food. Our ancient text says food is Sri Lakshmi Devi herself. Some of us call her Annapoorneshwari, but then the news anchor told us unpronounceable names are bad for TRPs. And we all know how important it is for cameras to follow us when we thrash people. Out of sight, out of fight. Anyways, coming back to the point, we can’t allow people to jab our Goddess with a pointed instrument.

Don't you dare accusing us of being uneducated loafers. We remember our school teachers telling us that ‘spoon feeding’ is bad. It discourages original thinking. Our ancient seers who wrote the Rig Veda, they were original thinkers because they used their hands. All western civilization copied our texts because they were spoon-fed idiots.

I can already envisage some of you arguing that spoons/forks are cleaner. Heck, you guys don’t trust your own hands, but you trust a spoon which has been used by some strange people (of other religions and lower castes, shudder!). Don’t give us that crap about spoons being sterilized. We will dunk your hand in boiling water, you depraved-slave-of-western-society.

While we are at it, let us also make it clear that you can use only your right hand to touch food. Don’t dare using the impure left hand to even hold your plate. No, not even at buffets. They are also western culture, you idiot. What, you claim you were born a leftie? Heck, some people claim they were born homosexual, but that doesn’t mean we allow it. We can’t allow perversion of Indian culture.

So next time you enter an Udipi restaurant, and pick up that fork to jab your onion utthapam, beware. I, or my followers, might just thrash you for betraying ancient Indian culture.

We even have a slogan "Apna haath jagannath"!