Jun 10, 2006

Videshi Jargon Manch

Statutory Warning: This blog is a bit shady, and Parental Guidance is strictly advised. Read ahead at your own risqué.

Btw, this idea is not original, and may have been plagiarised. But, it is up to u to find that out.

I hope the moral police don’t hang me for this. More importantly, I hope the gals don’t hate me for this.
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Whenever u have the misfortune of running into an MBA [as opposed to the good fortune of ‘running over’ him], please be prepared to be bombarded with jargons.

The use of jargons is not unique to MBAs. I mean, engineers have their thermodynamics, doctors have their ‘hypocratic’ oaths, CAs have their capitalization funda… but, an MBA beats them all, with one hand…

In fact, MBAs live by the law of Parsi-money, which says that, “If a thing can be explained in simple terms, go ahead and jargonize it.”

But then, any average sex-crazed guy can understand most of the jargons… Here’s how

Holistic View: “When we take a holistic view of the problem…”
I have seen my girl’s face. I have seen her hands and feet. Now, I want to see the whole picture.

Demand-Supply gap: “The gap between demand and supply is expected to push up prices…”
I want to have sex. She’s not in the mood. Her value goes up.
I want to have sex. She gives in readily. She’s a loose bitch.

Long Term Strategy: “The actions of this company gel with the long term strategy…”
She’s thinking, “I’ll put up with this idiot till he marries me. Then, I’ll take his money, house and car and kick him out.”

Customer Lifetime Value: “We should not be looking at individual transactions, but at the customer lifetime value…”
He’s thinking, “I’m spending 100 grand on a diamond necklace for this bitch. But, once we get married, I’ll make her pay.”

Synergy: “The merger of P&G and Gillette is expected to bring synergy gains…”
I can’t produce a baby on my own. Neither can she. So, we get together, and 1+1 becomes 3. [or 4, 5 or 13 if u r LPV].

Positioning: “The product has been positioned as a sporty, sophisticated…”
We go to bed. She is good. We try new things. Since this is a family blog, let me leave it at that.

Shareholder vs. Stakeholders: “It might be in our shareholders’ interests, but not in our stakeholders’ interest…”
I want to have sex. She is ready. The kids are bawling, the dog is barking, the neighbour is at the door, and the boss is on the phone. The stakeholders have won over the shareholders once again.

Cost Benefit Analysis and Break even: “The Cost Benefit Analysis shows that this product will break even…”
We are now married. I fight with her. I know that things in my house are goin to break evenly [and that includes my head!!!]. I do a CBA and find it profitable to go out with my mistress.

Terminal Value: “The terminal cash value of any project forms a major part of DCF valuations…”
She’s thinking again, “This idiot is sure to gimme cash whenever I ask. After a few years, I’ll file for divorce and ask for a HUGE settlement.”

3 comments:

  1. interesting streak to a normally chamatthu paiyyan... i really loved it... kindly do continue the trend

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  2. if this is the first thing that u came up with in the morning then I kind of guess the 'theme' of your reams yesterday night ;)

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  3. Logical ones it depends on from which side you look at it.

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