The Seven Year Pitch...

Seven Years. S.E.V.E.N. Years! That's how long I have been cribbing here on my absolutely disastrous love life. Trying to sound intelligent, sound smart, or at the very least sound not-desperate.

Ever Try. Ever Fail. No Matter. Try Again. Fail Again. Fail Better.

Unfortunately, it only gets verse. (It's amazing how I never tire of that line!)

So, this year, I come up with a new twist... a riff on the many "(Don't) Date a Girl who ____ (fill activity of your choice" posts going around...

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Ladies, don't ever date a guy who travels
You'll simply waste your time in farewells
He'll be more interested in his next flight
And not so much in your sorry plight
Since he's always thinking "where else?"

Ladies, don't ever date a guy who cooks
Unless you are interested only in his looks
He'll never have time for you, his lovely wife
Since he'll always be sharpening his knife
And trying out stuff from his recipe books

Ladies, don't date a guy who's a film buff
Remember, life can get really, really tough
When all you want is to be, well, 'entertained'
His shtupid DVDs will keep him chained
And he'll keep on rambling about filmy stuff

Ladies, don't ever date a guy who's into music
I promise you, all that noise will make you sick
It doesn't matter if the bloody bugger sings
Or is more attuned to fingering guitar strings
Or worse(!), has a loud, noisy drum and a stick

Ladies, don't ever date a guy who dances
The one who, with his twinkle-toe, prances
It's doesn't matter if he's into swaying salsa
Or does bhalle bhalle like a true-blue khalsa
After all, it's your life, why take such chances?

Ladies, don't ever date a guy who plays a sport
He'll always be looking for your total support
But the real danger is you'll insult his favourite team
Which he'll take as a direct hit to his self-esteem
And he'll part saying "I'll see you in court"

And so, Ladies, for once, use your minds
And go out and seek, until one of you finds
A guy who can really make you laugh
And make that guy your better lesser half
A shared joke is the best glue that binds.

Or better still, seek out a guy who can rhyme
And make him your life-partner-in-crime
It helps if he writes stuff you like to read
Such a guy is one-of-a-kind, a rare breed
Who comes along, but once in a life-time...

If you are wondering what the eff just happened
My enthusiasm for self-flagellation had dampened
I got tired of whining about my loser-status fables
So, this year, I simply decided I'll turn the tables
And hence, some advice to the ladies, I penned.

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PS1: In spite of the last few lines, I want to assure you all that I still remain the loser I am. Or have always been. Once a loser, always a loser.

PS2: Some say it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. My point is, how would you know since the two states are mutually exclusive? If you have "ever loved and lost" (say Situation A), you cannot claim "never to have loved at all" (say, Situation B) and hence would not know if Situation A is better or worse than Situation B. Similarly for someone who is currently in Situation B. I have been told such stupid over-analysis is why I am in Situation B. Or was it A?

PS3: If any of you gals buy this for me, I'm yours for life. (It's amazing how I never tire of that line!). SOme traditions are meant to be kept alive.