By our Ordinary Correspondent
Unconfirmed reports from an unpronounceable village in Palakkad indicate that a group of Vedic priests performed Shashtiabdapoorthi for the Indian Republic. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, Nayayana Sastrigal, the chief priest explained, "Shasti means Sishty. Yesh, the same number that comes after Pipty-nayan. Apdam means year. No, not the ones you touch when you do thoppikaranam, but the calendar one. Poorthi means completion. Turning 60 is an event of great Vedic significance."
"Swa-ha", chorused the side vadhyars who had assembled behind Narayana Sastrigal, unaware that he was not chanting mantras, but giving an interview.
When queried about why they celebrated the event 2 whole days before the actual anniversary, the chief priest smirked, "According to our panchakam, today is the nakshtram for the event."
"Bharata varshe, shukla pakshe", the side vadhyars chorused again, at the mention of the word panchakam, before they were shushed with a glare from N. Sastrigal.
The event gained publicity when Shashi Tharoor sent an illegible as ever tweet, "Hrd dey prfrmd a puja for India. Puja strts wid wht sounds lyk my name!", which was immediately pounced upon by the national media and splashed across the front pages with the word "Shashi Tharoor in another twitter controversy!"
A Congress spokesperson said, "I hear they even performed abhishek on a copy of the Constitution! We will not accept such watering down of the Constitution. Only Indira-ji has the right to do that! And maybe, Sonia-ji and Rahul-ji! And oh, Shashi, this is your last warning! One more wisecrack and we'll dunk you in water"
Acclaimed Hindu statesman Saajan Red said,"The Indian (Hindu) civilization is millions of years old. The Shashtiabdapoorthi should have been performed in 3200 B.C.", thus displaying his brilliant grasp of Indian history and Vedic mathematics.
It is rumoured that the vadhyars even sent a bill for dakshinai to the PMO. The PMO spokesperson refused to confirm this, but said "This is ridiculous. How can a bunch of priests perform a whatsitsname for the country and send us the bill? And that too, in triplicate!"
"Every year they do the same thing. March past, atrocious floats, security blockade on roads and President's speech. Give us credit for trying something different! And wait till we perform Sadabhishekam in 2030!" N Sastrigal had the final word!